Ever feel like you're "poison" to a group, a cause, a team, a ministry? Like they're better off without you? And it's not self-pity and just lack of self-confidence or whatnot. It's just how it is. I don't know what it is. A vibe maybe? Like you can't see things going right with you there, or not as well as it could go without you there. And it doesn't really have much to do with your lack of ability or whatever it is. You're not necessarily doing anything wrong, but you just don't seem to work with the rest of the team chemistry.

Again, I'm totally not saying you are no good to the team because you could be helpful, but in the big picture.. you might be somehow hindering the group from reaching it's full potential simply because you don't really belong there. You're not "supposed" to be there. Other people in the team might not see it, or they do, and they'll say how helpful or useful you were and how you are always welcomed or whatever, but deep down you just know.. you're not meant to.

I think it's really just all about "chemistry", whatever that means. You either have it or you don't. There's nothing to fight, nothing to fix.

I think that's how I feel about AWANA. I don't know what happened. I love the program, I really do. I love the kids, I really do. I'm just not feeling the chemistry there and... I'm happy I left indefinitely for the time being. In a way it feels like a blessing for both myself and them. It seems like things are going really well for them, and I'm certainly not feeling as stuck, stressed out and trapped. It can seem like a negative thing, me leaving, but I think it was a very positive decision I made. No regrets. I'm so happy AWANA is going well. :)

Anyway, that was just a thought I had while looking at some AWANA Thanksgiving pictures. I've felt like this a couple other times with other things, be it ministries or something as stupid as teams playing a board game or sports or something. I don't understand it, but I think I really believe in it.

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In other news, I spent today at work helping put up a Christmas tree in our department, cutting out snowflakes and.. prayer meeting. That was really my day. I might have spent an hour tops doing actual work. December is really coming around soon at The Salvation Army! Parties and food. December is the best time of year to be working here. lol

I gave in. Bought a pocket camcorder. I couldn't resist.



I'm extremely psyched about it too 'cause I also bought a magnetic macro/wide angle, fish eye, and telephoto lens attachments for it. I only researched it today, but out of all the other competitor pocket camcorders it looks like the best one. Video quality is great. The only big downside to the Kodak Zi8 for me was the lack of wide-angle lens, but with this mod I'm super, super happy with my purchase and I don't even have it in my hand yet! I'm confident though that I'll be very pleased with the outcome.

Features I'm absolutely in love with:
` HD quality 1080p video with 16:9 aspect ratio
` Expandable SD/SDHC slot up to 32 GB
` Sound isn't great, but there's a line-in jack where I can plug my Sony ECM-DS70P into
` Bought an extra battery so I don't have to worry about battery-life
` Able to mod with multiple, fairly cheap, and decent quality lenses
` Takes 16:9 ratio still pictures at 5 megapixels

I've never been so in love with a product. LOL.. this is definitely my early Christmas present to myself this year. I'm so confident in this purchase that I'm pretty sure if I lose anything or it gets destroyed (unless something better comes out) that I'd buy everything all over again without hesitation.

AND DUDE!! It's already marked as shipped with tracking number and everything. That's crazy!!! I'm jumping up and down ecstatically on the inside. :D

Sample vids with wide-angle mod:





Links:
Kodak Zi8 product site
Kodak Zi8 mod

Ha ha ha...

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A list I recently received by e–mail shared what “Cynthia” said she had learned. Many of her comments were humorous: “I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities,” and “I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you. Unless, of course, you win the lottery."

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 "Cynthia" and the author (D.C.) continue on a more serious note:

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Among the eight lessons Cynthia learned, however, was this one: “I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.” As cynical as that may sound at first, it can, unfortunately, prove true. And sometimes the suspicion comes from lies and slander that have nothing to do with facts and how you really are living and dealing with others.

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