January 3, 2011
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I can't believe I didn't write anything to lead up to/ring in the New Year...
I feel blank. Is it possible to feel like I did a lot this year, but at the same time feel like I did a whole lot of nothing as well?
I was laying in bed the other day just thinking and reflecting, asking God what motivates me, what hurts me, what it is I strive for. After a few minutes it started coming to me and I started tearing. It's so cliche, but it's probably cliche for a reason: I just want to feel loved. It's different from BEING loved, I think. I KNOW I am loved, but I don't always feel loved. Not trying to throw a pity party. I know I'm incredibly blessed with friends and family who I love and I think love me too... but I really don't think it's the same. (I should really be sleeping right now since I didn't get much sleep this weekend, but I just want to write a little more.)
Don't get me wrong, I am not at all sad or depressed, at least not to any great or even minor extent. Maybe just below minor though. haha.. but uhh.. yeah. I long to feel love and loved. To see it, to experience it, even if via a movie or a television show. It's the feeling of love. I think that's why I love Sammie so much. I LOVE Nacho too and he's my boy, but Sammie really does feel like my own baby sometimes. She's MINE. I can love her and I feel loved by her... when I'm not frustrated at her not peeing and pooing in the right place.
I used to always say and really believe I'd be fine and happy if I died early. In fact, I kinda wanted to, but now I just want to experience true love. I want to experience what it is to be married, and then what it is to have my own child. I don't want to miss out on those experiences.
All this thinking about love though... I had to question myself: is God's love enough for me? I don't think it is. Why isn't it? Because we're human? Why isn't God's love enough for me? Why do I want more? It's cause I'm human right?
I think I just kept going in circles thinking/praying about that until I fell asleep.
And speaking of sleep...
I want to write more, but I should really sleep now. I'm not going to wake up in time for work. First work day of 2011!!! Craziness....
Comments (1)
mmm..yea... Sometimes God's love doesn't feel enough. Then I think about why I feel that way, and I conclude with the fact that I just haven't grasped the concept yet, of the whole Gospel. That's something you told me a while ago. That people sin and do things that are stupid and aren't focused on the Lord because they haven't grasped the fact that Jesus had to die for us. I'll be praying for God to reveal to you what it feels like to be loved.
And get rest! Nica is coming
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