March 18, 2011

• Talk about a thorn. It's a yearning for something God is holding back from me right now and maybe until the day I die. Who knows, but Him. I need to get passed it. I keep pausing throughout the day and think and I realize I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I feel lost because everything feels so futile and meaningless. I hate that. I'm not doing anything. A younger sister called me on my crap in the most genuine and loving of ways and she was right. She meant it on a much smaller scale, but it's true on a larger scale for me as well.

  I get so easily caught up in the meaningless things of this world. As much as I don't want to care about what other people think, I think about it anyway. Meaningless crap clogging up my mind, my time, my energy, my space. I don't know how to fight it. I don't know how to not forget and get carried away, to not get enveloped by it all over again.

  What does it look like for God to really have all of you? For God to have complete control and power over your life? To completely surrender it to Him? I'm so stupid I need to know what the next step, what the next step I need to take is to move forward and toward Him. I need to be told. I can't seem to figure it out myself. I want God, or God to tell someone to tell me exactly what the next step is otherwise I feel like I'll be stuck here forever. I know that's not how it works though, at least not usually. It's not that easy. I just wish it was.

  To daily, intentionally, consciously surrender. Dang, that's hard.

  I think maybe I've been too concerned and putting too much time and thought into whatever moving to Queens might entail instead of focusing on the NOW. NOW. RIGHT NOW.

  1. Choose Daily
  2. Hate Injustice
  3. Work as Worship
  4. Act Swiftly

  It would be so much easier if we could just start over, if we could just move to another country and be labeled as a "missionary" so therefore we have no choice and are obligated to live life as one. I'm not knocking it because I know some people are really called to that, but I really believe it's harder to stay home and be a missionary. You've got a mission field with all the other baggage that comes with having your mission field be where you grew up, where your friends, family and co-workers are. These are people who know you, who knew you when you were mad, sad, disappointed, happy, jealous, stupid, etc. I think it's pride. At least it is for me. Too proud and not enough faith or boldness to finally change and allow that change to be evident. It sounds stupid, but for me I think this is true. I'm afraid of changing, being better and people seeing how indifferent I was before, of being compared to myself and then others. People are skeptical. People want explanations. People want things to make sense. Maybe I don't want to deal with the "whoa, what happened? you're so different" etc. It's actually a good, if not great, thing, but maybe I'm afraid I can't keep it up. It's like... if you keep expectations low, you can't disappoint as much, but if you raise the bar, it'll be easier to fall.

  Okay, I'm just rambling at this point. I really need to sleep so I'm not going to fully finish my thoughts, but I think the things I have shared are truly true of me. That's the truth. Under it all, at the core of it, I think I'm just a plain ol' coward. No guts and not selling out for God, Jesus or the Holy Ghost and just playing it safe. "Hello, my name is Karena."

  Help me change for Your sake and You alone.

  • 1:39 am
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