Some people don't believe me when I say I'm selfish. I am selfish.

Sunday Worship Set
July 17, 2011

Me - Vocals
Dennis - Vocals, Guitar
Grace - Vocals, Keyboard
Brice - Vocals, Bass
Edward - Drums

Feeling distant from my Lord, my God. I talk to Him every day and He's ever present. My heart and mind agree and yet I feel like I'm failing Him over and over again with each day that passes by. I know His love and His grace and His everything is more than enough, but then why can't I put Him first in my life? Why can't I truly live my life for Him, and Him alone. Why do I choose what I want, my own comforts, over His better plan for me? Maybe cause I don't know what the plan is? How does that work?

I feel like a failure. I feel idle. I feel wasteful.

I want more. I want to change. I want to be better, but I don't know how. I need help. I need accountability. I need a push. I don't think I was meant to do this alone, but what if He wants me to do this part, this initial part at least, alone before having a partner to lean on?

Below is something I stumbled upon via my cousin's fb. I love it. I made some of the phrases in a lighter color in order to highlight the black colored phrases that are what I've really been thinking about and has been on my mind a lot, even before I stumbled upon it.

Now, I don't agree entirely with everything on there. I don't think you should just quit if you don't like your job. Each case is different. And life is not simple, but we do make it more complicated than it has to be sometimes. However, everything else... a part of me really believes to be true. Though there are no biblical or spiritual references and it's mostly for anyone in the world, Christian or not, I really like it and it does give me a slight push. It motivates me a bit and makes me feel more optimistic about myself and my life... until I don't again.

Sigh...

I need to start being active again. Actively looking for new job opportunities and/or talking to my bosses and working something out so I can move to Queens. It's REALLY bothering me. I need to get out. I know I'm saving money by living at home... but I think I need to find my own place. I think I need to go out on a limb and trust that God will take care of the details.

Ah goodness. Been talking to mothers and mothers-to-be so much this past weekend. Makes me want to join the club.. kinda. I'm so excited with/for them, but  I'm sure not as excited as they are, but still... very excited. I can't imagine what it's like. That's probably the best part about being a woman.. to be able to actually carry a child in your womb. What a miraculous thing! Everything else like periods and PMS and the pressures of being a female though.. I wouldn't mind being without. I really do believe guys have it easier in some ways. I know they have different pressures though so.. I dunno.. maybe it sorta evens out. I still think it's generally harder to be born a girl though. I mean.. if I had to do a strict pro vs. con list. Of course life experiences and situations matter too, but aside from that.. yeah. Guys have it easy.

Example: I really do believe it's harder for women to find a mate than it is for a man. On a superficial level, especially, guys just have it easier.