I don't know if it's just the hormones. I don't think it is. It's also just stuff, people. I'm feeling extra alone, secluded. I feel so distant, so far away.

I think about where I'm at.. and where I want to be and feel like I should be.. and... I feel like I'm in the wrong place again. I know it's me. I know there's a lot more I can do about it. However, I also feel like it's my surroundings. I feel like it's not healthy. I don't know how to break out of my comfort if I'm constantly surrounded by it.

What do I do? What do You want me to do? God, show me the way. I'm so lost. I need help getting out of this rut. I need something drastic, something radical, otherwise I'll never change. I know You have your timing, but it just feels so slow and like I'm wasting time. I don't know how to be productively patient.

I think one of my biggest downfalls is that I care so much what people think. People affect me more than I wish they did. I wish I only cared about what God thinks. That's how it should be. That would be easier. I wish I could be like Lucia the Wemmick in Max Lucado's book, "You Are Special". I wish all the dots and stars that people throw on me, or that I put on myself... I wish I didn't allow them to stick to me. I wish they would just slip and glide right off me. I wish they wouldn't have any power or hold over me.

Eli, take them away.

-

Punchinello slowly turned around and looked at the large bearded craftsman and said, "Sir, you know my name?" "Of course I do. I made you," Eli said. All of a sudden, Eli stooped down and picked little Punchinello up and set him on the workbench. "Hmmmmm," the Maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles all over him, "Looks like you've been given some bad marks." Punchinello explained,"Oh, Eli, I didn't mean to; really I didn't!!! I really tried hard not to." The Maker said, "Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, my child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think." Punchinello asked, "Really? You don't?" Then Eli said, "No and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They are Wemmicks just like you. What they think really doesn't matter at all, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special." Punchinello laughed, "Oh, me special? How can I be special? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. I make silly mistakes all the time and I am not a beautiful Wemmick like some of the others. How could I matter to you?" Eli looked at Punchinello and put his hands on those little wooden shoulders of his and spoke very slowly, "Because Punchinello... you are mine. That's why you matter to me." Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this before or say anything so nice, much less his Maker! He didn't know what to say!

"Punchinello, every day I've been waiting and hoping you would come to see me," Eli explained. Punchinello looked up at him and said, "I came because I met a sweet Wemmick girl who had no marks." Eli said, "I know. Lucia told me about you." So Punchinello asked, "Why don't the stickers stay on Lucia?" Eli said, "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what anyone else thinks. The stickers only stick if you let them." Punchinello looked puzzled and said, "What?" Eli said, "Yes, the stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust My love, the less you will care about those stickers." But Punchinello said, "I'm not sure I really understand. What you are saying?" The maker said, "You will, but it will take some time. You've got a lot of marks. So for now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care about you." Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the floor. "Now remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You ARE special because I made you, and I don't make mistakes."

Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think He really means it." And each time he remembered what Eli told him and each time he went to visit and talk with Eli, one of Punchinello's dots would fall off. They kept falling off and soon they were all gone!!!

So like Punchinello, we must remember one thing: "Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart." (I Samuel 16:7)

-

God, Father, I need help navigating through this life. I know You left your Helper here with me... but I feel like I need another helper to help remind me and keep me accountable. You know my heart, You know my prayer. You know what I'm asking for. I need Your help.

I pray for more opportunities to serve, to minister. I pray for more opportunities to step out of my comfort zone, to go into the field, into the real world. I pray for a change of heart, a change of priorities, for wisdom, for self-control.

I think what bothers me is how much I love to spend time with my brothers and sisters. Not that it's bad or wrong in and of itself, but if it's really all we do... that's what bothers me. I spend time with them and "fellowship" and sometimes really fellowship, but why can't we spend more time together while ministering to people outside the walls of church? Do we always have to spend time together eating, hanging out, having a laugh? We talk too much. I want to do something more.

Wow. I haven't xanga'd in a while.

Praise Night 2012. January 7, 2012. Wow.

God. Is. Good.

It never gets old. In fact it almost seems new every time. God is good! Wow!

God is gracious. For real. Thank God for being gracious. In our weakness... His beauty shines through. I may be the weak one, but I find joy in seeing Him glorified despite that.

So... too tired to do a whole recap, but basically I've been sick for almost a week now. Woke up this morning. Could not believe it was Praise Night day! Still didn't get my voice back. I felt so unprepared... as usual. Final run throughs started late (as usual too) and ended up only going through the first song of my set before we had to pray together with everyone. Prayer was good. Needed that. Wish we had more time to pray, but again.. God is good nevertheless.

There were a few things I saw that I found discouraging, but the feeling did not last long. God redeemed it all. There wasn't as many people as I expected, BUT I KNOW that those were there, were supposed to be there and needed to be there for whatever reason. I didn't get to run through my entire set and I couldn't sing or hear 100%, BUT I know that at least I was blessed during worship. I had to leave for a short while to move my car for someone during the second message, BUT it was for someone I was glad stayed for as much of the night as he could before he had to leave. Everything happens for a reason. It was designed intentionally by a good God.

After the night ended, I kind of wished things weren't as scattered and hectic. I did hope my hearing and voice would go back to normal. It is pretty frustrating. But it is what it is for whatever reason. Didn't get to talk to too many people afterward, but I was glad to see people were mingling and getting to know new people. I think what I longed for was a debriefing of sorts. I wanted to keep talking to people. See what, if anything, changed for people.

For me..

Jimmy's message was a reminder.. the first part at least.. of the commitment I made a few months ago. The decision to surrender this life, my life, to Him and for Him to use it any way He wants. For me to be obedient and willing to follow. I surrendered and saw God do things I didn't expect or imagine. And then? And then I got distracted. I lost focus.

2012. I pray for less of me, and more of Him. Less of my will, more of His. 2012. It's not about me.

I need to pray for a more clear vision, direction and calling. I know where I will find my joy. I've had a glimpse. Just having trouble getting back there and on a more permanent basis.

Things that stuck out to me: Jimmy helped me more easily grasp the reality of what is and what is to come. I knew it in my head, but never really... grasped it. Now I have a better.. well.. grasp. The physical reality of "The Day of the Lord" is just... wow. 

I think my biggest dilemma is trying to figure out how to realistically balance the meaningless things with the meaningful ones. Striving after things that are meaningful as much as you can? Yes. But never do anything meaningless? Unrealistic, no? How do you know how much meaningless stuff is too much?

Blah. So tired. Just writing whatever. No order. Just writing whatever comes to mind.. and right now my mind is shutting down. There are a lot of things on my mind to think about though. When I have more energy... maybe... maybe not... I will write something that makes more sense and less ambiguous.