This past weekend was refreshing. Going to Don't Walk By reminded me of my passion for helping people and prepping for Sunday worship and worshipping in song reminded me how much I love being used to worship God in that way. It seriously is all Him. It's all God. It's not me, it's not us. Praise be to HIM.

I think more than being able to meet homeless people and talking to them, Don't Walk By was a great opportunity to serve and fellowship with brothers and sisters I've never met before. It was such a huge blessing. Met so many wonderful people and great examples of how to live out your Christian walk with confidence and boldness and security in God alone.

I don't know if it's a weekend spiritual high, if it's just a temporary thought or if it's from God, but I really feel like God was telling me to stop looking for jobs and to just keep praying and focus on that. I feel like my next step or place of work will be in ministry somehow. I'm just praying that God will grant me more opportunities to network with brothers and sisters involved in ministries I have a passion for, to serve the community and eventually get plugged into one of them on a more permanent basis and full-time. I think about my life and I want it to be meaningful. I don't want to be stuck at a job just because I need to pay bills. I don't want a stable job just so I can feel comfortable and live a comfortable life. I want to live a risky life with worldly uncertainty, but with complete security in God.

I'm finding it hard to let go financially though because I really love my apartment and I feel like if I go into some kind of ministry I won't be able to afford living here anymore. In my head—even though I know if God gave me this place and wants me to stay here then He will make a way—I still hesitate to fully let go and not worry about it.

Another thing to pray about is just balance between these passions and my role at Newtown. I don't know if I can really stay involved in both if the opportunity does come along, but I guess no point in worrying about that. God will work it out when the time comes.

I think about life in general and everything really just seems meaningless when it comes down to it. So I feel like the only thing I can do to make it meaningful to myself and really feel like I'm not living a wasted life is to fully devote it to His work. I yearn for that day I can say with confidence, "I am living for Christ's sake."

UPDATE: Actually, maybe I should still look for jobs.. just not so hard. Look less for a job that pays and pray more for a place to be used.

Wow. Long time, xanga. Just felt the need to write some things down so I can sort through my thoughts.

Life's been crazy. In comparison to other people's lives, I can't complain, but for some reason it's been difficult for me. I just think it's this huge elephant not just in the room, but it's hanging over my head and I'm just waiting for it to drop. I'm so consumed by what's going to happen to me in terms of work. I'm consumed by things, stuff, bills, and I'm not dealing with it in the best way. I'm just avoiding and ignoring. I'm in denial.

WORK—

I'm so blessed to have such understanding bosses and to be working somewhere where I know I'm valued. I've been working from home once a week, but my superiors said they would be okay with me working from home the majority of the time and only go into the office if I have to. The thing is, I don't really like working from home. I guess we'll see though. I've only done it a couple times. Not much to go off of. I think it also had to do with the work I was doing though so it may be different tomorrow when I work from home again.

Been looking for jobs whenever I have down time. Applied to a good handful. SOme interesting, some I applied just to apply. Most are reaches. Nothing I really ached for though. Some just had cool perks.

Also been freelancing. Haven't been able to spend too much time on it yet, but I hope I can satisfy the client. I really want to do a good job.

LIFE—

I really love my apartment and I love living here (with a couple exceptions). I can't imagine moving back into my parents' place, but I do miss them. Got to have dinner with them tonight and even though it was short, I really cherished it. I was really tired though, so I'm not sure that they could tell. [I just texted my mom and told her that I love her and my dad. ]

SPIRITUAL—

I feel like a mess. A put together mess. I still love God, but I feel like I've kept Him at a distance for some reason. I haven't been able to let go of my own life. I know all the right answers, but I just know I'm doing something wrong, whether I know it or not. I just wish I could go back to October when I felt so alive in Christ, and so sure of His working in my life, through it and that He was going to use me. Now those things just feel like a fading shadow, the paths of which I'm trying to still follow, no matter how worn they are. I'm following the path I should've lead while I was alive and now I feel like a dead person still trying to live that same life... but it doesn't feel like living if I'm not really living.

I really want to spend more time with God again. I need to get intimate with Him again. I feel like a Martha. I'm not being a Mary. Doing all the right things, but not spending time with Him, being loved by Him and loving Him in return. I REALLY, REALLY want to go back to IHOP. Hopefully for the Passion for Jesus Conference. That would be ideal, but if not.. I'll need to figure out another time.

MINISTRY—

I'm really not doing much. I just have Worship Team and this Nursing Home thing that I really need to get started. I just need to make the call. It's been so delayed now. I hope they will still be receptive.

I'm not doing much, but I don't know why I feel so overwhelmed. Maybe it's just more than I usually do. I feel like such a complainer. I don't know how to deal.

God, I need help. I need You.