Just had a sudden thought/fear. What if Jesus came back 2 seconds from now? I'd be ashamed cause I'm not ready.

It's another one of those moments where I feel like I'm wasting my life away and not doing my part, whatever that may be. I don't think I'd ever feel ready unless I felt like I was working for Him full-time.

I used to be so fine with the idea of Him coming back at any moment. It's not that I'm insecure about what will happen to me, but I'm just.. ashamed. I'd rather die "naturally" before He comes back. For some reason I feel like I'd feel less guilty that way than if he just walked into my life right now. I know He knows everything, sees everything already, etc, but.. I dunno... I'd just feel more at ease to die first.

Wow. Many times I write things I've thought before and jsut didn't get to write yet or it's something I've even written before, but was just reminded of... but this one is completely new. A new thought. A new fear. Wow.

Sometimes it's the darkness that we need in order to find our source of light again.

As frightening as it might be in the dark, it only makes light so much the more glorious.

One single glimmer of light in the vast darkness of space is all you need to have hope.

And to have hope is everything when everything seems hopeless.

I think I'm learning to ignore the negative. To stop going to places, reading, listening to things that just do myself a disservice. The hardest part is to stop making assumptions that only hurt myself even if there's no reason for it to, but I'm learning, I'm practicing. This is not the same as taking constructive criticism though. I think I just realized how I like to put myself in situations and get in a head space where I for some reason seem to "like" making myself feel worse and more worse about myself.. but I owe myself better than that.. I owe my Creator more than that.

Short term dream: Find a new job and move to Queens.

Long term dream: Do what I love.

Now: Prepare to make my dreams come true by working hard, saving money,
doing what I love on the side, and keeping an eye out for new opportunities.

There's a song that's inside of my soul / It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again...

That's how I feel almost every day... hence "over and over again".

1. MAKE A DECISION.
2. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

1. MAKE A DECISION.
2. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

1. MAKE A DECISION.
2. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

1. MAKE A DECISION.
2. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

1. MAKE A DECISION.
2. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

1. MAKE A DECISION.
2. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

1. MAKE A DECISION.
2. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I'm prideful in that I can't stand the thought of anyone thinking something bad about me.. even if I don't know the person. Or not thinking good about me. Relative to that somehow... I also think it's why I feel so easily dissed or left out even though I probably have no reason to. The feeling of not being included kills me, or to not be thought of. It makes me sad. I know it shouldn't though. I've been this way since I was little. I've just gotten better at either hiding it and not acting on it, or forcing myself to ignore it or try to be above it and let it go and not take it personally.

Why must I always seek the approval of others? I think sometimes that motivates me more than anything and a lot of times I probably hide it behind doing it because I want to be a "good Christian" or do it for God. So bad..

Okay, here it is. I uploaded the song I was talking about: the stupid guy song I was inspired to write. The lyrics are pretty much fictional except maybe one line. I call it "Hello Baby" 'cause for some reason those are the first words that came to my head after I picked a chord progression and started playing. haha

Anyway, it's a really rough version. I didn't sing all the right words or sing it the way I wanted it to, but you get the idea. It's a pretty repetitive melody, hence simple and stupid (including the lyrics). I'm not very profound and can't write really good lyrics. I may put them up later when I get home. We'll see. haha

I don't know why but I've been thinking a lot about someone recently. I think it's because my relationship clock seems to be ticking and counting down. At least once a week someone else brings it up. Something in me wishes I could be with this person, but the realistic and logical person in me knows it's someone I would never consider actually marrying because as far as I know he's not really a Christian, or at least not the kind of Godly man I would want to marry. Not to say that he's ungodly and a terrible person though. He's actually a really nice, polite, respectable person.

Right now I'm just hoping he finds his way back to God at any church. I haven't seen or talked to him in.. 2 years now? I keep going back and forth on whether or not I should send him an e-mail just to see how he's doing, but then I don't know if it'll come across as strange because it's out of nowhere and send him any weird signals. We were only somewhere between acquaintances and friends. This is such a weird place to be.

UPDATE: LOL.. I just wrote a new song because of this. It's really stupid, childish, simple and kinda funny because of how simple and stupid it is. Stupid as in teenage stupidity.

I wonder.. is there ever a point where you stop contemplating the meaning of life? Even as a Christian? Do people just figure it out or realize it one day and then are set? Or is just that they've discovered a life-long project and task that keeps them busy long enough to feel like they have figured it out? Or do they just pretend they've figured it out, go about living their lives in this world hoping that the way they live it is enough?

I know the "right" Christian answer to "the meaning of life" but I want to see it lived out. I can think of the most Christian person I know, the best role models, mentors, teachers a person could ever have, and I still wonder... is that it? Maybe I'm thinking too grand. I'm expecting radical, but I even think about the radical people I know who are living relatively radical lives compared to the majority of the people I know and yet.. I still feel a disconnect somewhere, something lacking. Perhaps at this present moment I am incapable of understanding or seeing things with the right perspective.

Have I become jaded? I think maybe I'm just looking for the perfect answer which there may not be one of. Maybe it's all just relative. I mean I do believe God creates each person for a specific role and reason and not everyone's lives will look the same, but I dunno..

I think I'm having another case of the.. too much thinking and not enough doing something about it.