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  • I feel broken. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe everything.

    I think the problem is I have these high ideals and expectations of what life should be like, of how I'm supposed to live my life.. therefore I don't even try to match those expectations because it seems too hard to live up to. Then I'm left wondering what to do with myself instead. It's really rather stupid. It's my own fault. I know I need to try anyway, but I can't seem to bring myself to.

    UPDATE. These thoughts always come after a lull in life... like a not too productive work-free Monday after a long hiatus from work. That or when I feel like just another cog in "the machine", when routine begins to feel like death again. Now that I'm going back to work, the big question now is... how long will it take to feel this way again?

  • I feel stuck trying to figure out the life I'm supposed to live/lead. I'm confused.

  • Feeling funny about life, about living. Not in a morbid way though. Just.. funny. Don't know how to explain it.

  • Sometimes I feel like I talk/write too much or that I get too excited that it turns other people off. I hate that feeling. It's not that I'm clingy, but maybe it comes off that way in the moment. I just get excited easily! Clingy people actually scare me off... so I hope I'm not. lol

  • Birthday Verses from Auntie Emily :)

    Psalm 37:4-5

    4Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
    5Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

    Colossians 1:9-12

    9 For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,10 so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, 12 and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.

  • Someone said something recently which stood out to me and is still on my mind. Basically implied that in Reformed theology we believe babies go to hell (which I didn't know. I should really familiarize myself more with Reformed theology. lol). But like basically if they are miscarried or die early for some reason.. they would go to hell.

    Here's my thing. I'm not saying I disagree, but I don't agree either. I probably lean more the other way though and think there's more of a probability that they go to heaven.

    First, I'll explain why I think so. Yes, I understand original sin. No matter what, we are bound to sin. It is inevitable with us. However, I find it hard to believe that God would create a child who He knows will die in the womb just to go to hell through no fault of their own. While I understand they WILL sin if they had the chance to live their lives, I don't think they have actually sinned yet. I know sin is automatically attached to them, but they haven't had the chance to follow through yet, you know? I don't know if that makes any sense.

    BUT... as much as that's my reasoning and thought process behind my opinion, my ultimate conclusion when it comes to stuff like this is... WHO REALLY KNOWS? Only God knows the real answer. No one on this planet can say that for sure. I do not believe that whoever put together Reformed theology KNOWS God and how God thinks about EVERYTHING. I don't believe just because something is written and classified as theology makes it right and that just because you are part of a certain denomination... you HAVE TO agree to everything stated in its theology. Who are we to set the rules, set what we should and shouldn't believe in unless the Bible states it clearly so. If it needs interpretation... we're only getting human interpretation with faulty human minds and not God's.

    I understand the necessity to have theology though and that some things are just cut and dry, BUT to me for someone just to pick a denomination and its theology to believe in all of it just because they consider themselves part of a certain denomination now and are then obligated to believe every word is ridiculous.

    I don't actually know if that's expected, but if I had to pick and choose all or nothing, I wouldn't pick a denomination then. I mean I think Reformed fits mostly with what I believe in, but ultimately I'm not believing in what a denomination deems as who God is and what decisions God would make. I'm just trusting in God and not being arrogant as to say I can understand how God sees certain situations or that I can predict how God will respond or think of certain things. Again, that's just ridiculous!

    The thing about God is, He's God. No one really knows Him to the degree that we would like. We like to pretend we do. We take what we can from the Bible and guess. That's it. Guess. Some things you don't need to guess about, but a lot in between... that's exactly what people do. I know I have a lot of my own opinions and ideas of who I think God is and what kind of God He is... BUT I also know.. I could very well and easily be completely wrong and I leave that up to Him. Every time I give an opinion about God or talk about Him, whether I state that disclaimer out loud or not, I'm telling myself and praying to God acknowledging that I could be completely wrong and if I am that He somehow shows me why and what's right.

    I think people know, but I think some people don't or need reminders. We can't put God in a box or cage and examine Him like an animal and say He is so and so, and will react in such and such a way in such and such situation. I am totally and completely content is saying I DO NOT KNOW GOD, at least not totally and I will not pretend I do. In fact I feel safer thinking this way. All I know is that God loves me and that He sent His Son down to die for me because He did. What else matters? Just love Him the best you can in return. All the little details, leave up to Him. It's His business. He knows who He is and that's all that matters.

  • My mom keeps bringing up the fact that I don't have a boyfriend these past few days and asking me about guys and talking about them. I don't know what happened and what sparked this on-going conversation.. but talk about pressure. She even suggested I try using the "christian harmony site" aka eharmony.com. I couldn't believe she said that, but who knows? Maybe I should. LOL.. At least she understands that it's slim pickings at Newtown and that I don't get to meet too many guys so I wasn't that offended and take it half to heart. Maybe I should try it just for fun. haha

    I have always hoped I would be married and have children by the time I was 27...

    *UPDATE* Uh derrr.. I just made the connection. I seriously did not understand why I'm getting all this talk from my mom now, but perhaps it has to do with the fact that I just turned 25. I forgot. lol.. That and/or my parents' recent trip to Florida to visit my mom's best friend with a single nice and polite son about the same age.

  • Yay! Now I can rent cars and not pay the stupid daily underage fee! Being 25 is good for something!

    Life has drastically changed in the last few years. It's amazing how only 5 years ago things were so different and really does seem like a lifetime ago. Go back 10 years and.. my goodness! It feels more like 20 years ago. Life and time, Such fantastically, peculiar things..

  • I will officially be 25 in less than a minute.

    I'm feeling.. not sure. Unexpected feelings? Don't think I recognize it from previous years so I'm not sure what it is.

  • It's scary to think of everything I could be missing due to laziness and/or wimping out.

    All the decisions we make to do or not do things... Imagine how different our lives could be or could've been.

    Scary.

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