Wondering.. contemplating.. love.. marriage.. commitment. What does it take?

What does it take to make a marriage? Commitment. Not "love". Commitment and love? Great! Just "love"? Not great. Just commitment? Maybe not ideal for most, but it's enough to make a good marriage that will cultivate true love and therefore turn into a great marriage. Well, that is if both husband and wife have the correct understanding of commitment and are able to hold to it. Obviously there's also more to it, but generally speaking.. I think this is true.

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I can't believe I'm almost 25. To most, that may sound young. To the young'ins, that may sound old. To me? Well, it just sounds too late. I either feel behind on life, or like I don't have enough time to do what I want. Truly, it is all in God's timing and I know I can't do anything to alter what He has already planned and set in motion. I know His plan is the best plan there is for me, but I find that kind of patience hard. I do entrust my future into His hands. It's just that I want to be in my future NOW.

I guess the problem is tunnel vision. The future that I look to is so narrow-sighted that I'm missing the NOW that He has planned for me live and be in. I'm just not seeing it. I'm looking for and focusing on the wrong things thinking that He hasn't given me anything to do NOW, but the fact is that He has planned things just as big and important for me NOW as He has for later. I'm so focused on when I'll get my own home, when I'll find my husband, and when I'll have kids that I'm blinded to what I have been given NOW to focus on.

Still struggling to live each day with purpose and direction. It's my fault.

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Old relationship. Old dynamics. Some things never change, no matter how different they may look from the outside. We haven't really changed, have we? I've been avoiding it because I don't want to end up in the same place again.

Had a very interesting dream last night/this morning. Almost sci-fi-ish. Weird emotions and feelings due to relationship dynamics I'm not sure about as well. It was almost like a movie plot too. There was an antagonist. People were not sure who to side with. It was all very interesting. I really wanted to stay in the dream and finish it and figure things out. Had to wake up though cause it was like 25 minutes past when I should've been awake already. Was soooo tempted to not go to work. lol

So thankful. Every once in a while I realize how much I really love someone and am grateful for them being in my life. I feel blessed by family, once again. Extended family. Honorary family. You make going through this life bearable. I don't know what I would do without you.

Talk about a thorn. It's a yearning for something God is holding back from me right now and maybe until the day I die. Who knows, but Him. I need to get passed it. I keep pausing throughout the day and think and I realize I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I feel lost because everything feels so futile and meaningless. I hate that. I'm not doing anything. A younger sister called me on my crap in the most genuine and loving of ways and she was right. She meant it on a much smaller scale, but it's true on a larger scale for me as well.

I get so easily caught up in the meaningless things of this world. As much as I don't want to care about what other people think, I think about it anyway. Meaningless crap clogging up my mind, my time, my energy, my space. I don't know how to fight it. I don't know how to not forget and get carried away, to not get enveloped by it all over again.

What does it look like for God to really have all of you? For God to have complete control and power over your life? To completely surrender it to Him? I'm so stupid I need to know what the next step, what the next step I need to take is to move forward and toward Him. I need to be told. I can't seem to figure it out myself. I want God, or God to tell someone to tell me exactly what the next step is otherwise I feel like I'll be stuck here forever. I know that's not how it works though, at least not usually. It's not that easy. I just wish it was.

To daily, intentionally, consciously surrender. Dang, that's hard.

I think maybe I've been too concerned and putting too much time and thought into whatever moving to Queens might entail instead of focusing on the NOW. NOW. RIGHT NOW.

1. Choose Daily
2. Hate Injustice
3. Work as Worship
4. Act Swiftly

It would be so much easier if we could just start over, if we could just move to another country and be labeled as a "missionary" so therefore we have no choice and are obligated to live life as one. I'm not knocking it because I know some people are really called to that, but I really believe it's harder to stay home and be a missionary. You've got a mission field with all the other baggage that comes with having your mission field be where you grew up, where your friends, family and co-workers are. These are people who know you, who knew you when you were mad, sad, disappointed, happy, jealous, stupid, etc. I think it's pride. At least it is for me. Too proud and not enough faith or boldness to finally change and allow that change to be evident. It sounds stupid, but for me I think this is true. I'm afraid of changing, being better and people seeing how indifferent I was before, of being compared to myself and then others. People are skeptical. People want explanations. People want things to make sense. Maybe I don't want to deal with the "whoa, what happened? you're so different" etc. It's actually a good, if not great, thing, but maybe I'm afraid I can't keep it up. It's like... if you keep expectations low, you can't disappoint as much, but if you raise the bar, it'll be easier to fall.

Okay, I'm just rambling at this point. I really need to sleep so I'm not going to fully finish my thoughts, but I think the things I have shared are truly true of me. That's the truth. Under it all, at the core of it, I think I'm just a plain ol' coward. No guts and not selling out for God, Jesus or the Holy Ghost and just playing it safe. "Hello, my name is Karena."

Help me change for Your sake and You alone.

Sometimes I just feel like pressing 'delete'. Delete all the excess, delete all the junk, delete all the distractions, delete all the nonsense. Delete. Start new, start fresh. Blank slate. Redo. Do differently. Try to be better.

I don't have the heart to evangelize by sharing the Gospel. I have the heart to love because of the Gospel.

I'm guilty of not always loving like Jesus did, but I have a genuine desire to want to. And it's not that I don't want to share the Gospel or that I won't. It's just the idea of just throwing it on people doesn't seem like my thing. I would rather them see the Gospel being played out, then ask about it and want to know what's up. If it's in that way, then I would have no problem sharing the why, what, who and how.

I just had a sick feeling in my stomach after seeing something. Not something gross or disgusting, but... just a sick/sad feeling like "oh my gosh!" It's more a sad feeling.. like.. just sad and kinda stupid hopeless. haha... It's the crazy emotions talking and just about that time of year when I feel this. As I believe Jerllin puts it... "le sigh..."

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Sometimes I can't help but feel like an old fart. I know I'm not at all, but I just feel that way.

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Feeling lonely makes you think and do stupid things, but it makes you feel better. o_0 ... hahaha.. oy..

I think I have a new tentative plan. Tentative because who knows what God's plan is for me. For a good portion of today I did research on going back to school. Not for graphic design, but for marketing and/or advertising. I think I may seriously be considering it. The only thing is.. it was so discouraging to research once I got to how much it would cost me.

Next, I got to thinking how expensive it is to find a place in Queens. Maybe I'll just look for a place in NJ, but closer to the GWB? I still want to move out and live on my own for a while though. That hasn't changed. I'm also realizing how hard it is going to be to leave my job. I feel like I can't or shouldn't leave unless I have a Bachelor's degree in something so I can at least be getting a job of equal or greater "value" and not settle for something less than what I have now. Not even just salary, but position wise. Been looking at jobs every now and again and it just looks so hard. As much as I hate to admit it, my parents are right. I'd feel more secure if I at least had a Bachelor's degree in something. Also, I always planned on staying at the Salvation Army for at least 5 years and I still need to save up money for a down payment on a place and that will take me a while. 

As much as I want to be closer to church, maybe it'll happen if and when I get married. Maybe my future husband will be from NYC. The likelihood is high just cause I don't really know Jersey people anymore. LOL..

I really don't want distance to get in the way of me serving joyfully though. In fact, I wish I could serve more. I want to do more, but I feel like I can't. Driving to Jersey isn't so bad. It's once I pass into Jersey when I start to get sleepy. I think it would help if I lived only minutes away from the GWB.

Ah, I don't know. I feel like either way... if I'm being realistic it will be a while before I move to Queens anyway just because of my current financial situation. After I paid off my car I wasn't thinking about saving up for a house yet. I was just happy to be done with payments. Now I regret not thinking a little ahead so I'm trying to play catch up.

I hate how there's always so much I want to do, but it takes me forever just to eventually do one of those things.

I guess a good thing is I've been spending more time with my parents than usual. Still not a LOT, but I think I'm starting to be more patient with them and wanting to spend time with them instead of hiding in my room all day.

I don't know what's next. I keep researching possibilities of what could come next. Nothing seems tangible right now though. Not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Sweet. Sweet? Sweet.

I haven't felt this physically tired in a long time. I'm always tired, but not this tired. Not my whole body. Usually just my eyes. Now my brain a little too. Too stressed thinking I'm going to forget something for the wedding. I hope I wake up on time tomorrow. I don't even know what I'm wearing yet. Oh well... -_-