Keep It Simple, Stupid.

I've been trying to cut things out of my life as I see it as worthless in God's eyes. It started this morning with e-mail subscriptions to various stores, deal sites, etc. Whatever may tempt me to buy something useless. Even good deals can be worthless. I think what really motivated me was the night we landed back in NY and I was driving home. I got into NJ and into the Paramus area and just saw all the various stores lined all along the highways on both sides and I thought to myself, "This is sick. Why are there so many stores??" And then I just imagined how much useless stuff was in those stores that people spend money on. "Is this what people find their purpose to be in life? To make money so they can buy useless things? That's so sad! I don't want to be one of those people. It's so stupid!!" It really made me sad and feel disgusted.

Anyway, as I keep working on that, I think my next challenge will come tomorrow in how I spend my time. Will I waste my time away? Part of that entails watching TV shows on my computer. I think I'm going to have to limit the shows I will keep up with.

-

AHHH!!! I just look at pictures of the girls, I look into their eyes and my heart breaks. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I miss them so much, because I love them so much, or because I just want to take away all their hurt, all their pain, all their worries and just let them be kids for a while. Part of me just wants to give $390 to a different girl each month or something so they can all be fully covered/sponsored for a while. Part of me thinks it's not fair to do so though because it might take away from others being able to contribute and be a part of their lives. It's so hard to choose because I want to help them all. Maybe I'll pick two different girls every year...

So much to say and write, but I'm just going to start with this:

There's always more you can do, and you can always do better. I'm going to try to do more, and do better. I have an inkling of what I need to do this year. If I do it right, it's going to be a big year with lots of changes. If I don't, life will pretty much just be the same as any other year which means less of God working in and through my life.

God never ceases His work though. He always leaves me in wonderment.

This coming year's success depends on how much I put my trust in Him... with everything.

So many thoughts and feelings going through my head... and not in the usual meditative, sullen kind of way. Maybe it's the cold and snow, but I feel alive and I just want to go out and talk to people! Be crazy!! Step outside of myself and just interact with people and get to know people! I guess that's a good way to start a mission trip though.

Praying that the snow doesn't delay our flight. I think we might be okay, but that might just be my naivite talking.

I hope in this new year and when we come back I can really work on my boldness. It's so annoying how afraid and shy I am sometimes. I hate thinking too much, I hate worrying about what people think of me!!! AHHH!!!

Anyhoo... Keep us in your prayers!

College students: Brice, Edward, Jason, Jessie, Lung, Maggie, Patrick, Sandy, Winny

Chaperones: Catharina, Dave, Dennis, Grace, Le, Lester, Yi-Ting, me

I can't believe I didn't write anything to lead up to/ring in the New Year...

I feel blank. Is it possible to feel like I did a lot this year, but at the same time feel like I did a whole lot of nothing as well?

I was laying in bed the other day just thinking and reflecting, asking God what motivates me, what hurts me, what it is I strive for. After a few minutes it started coming to me and I started tearing. It's so cliche, but it's probably cliche for a reason: I just want to feel loved. It's different from BEING loved, I think. I KNOW I am loved, but I don't always feel loved. Not trying to throw a pity party. I know I'm incredibly blessed with friends and family who I love and I think love me too... but I really don't think it's the same. (I should really be sleeping right now since I didn't get much sleep this weekend, but I just want to write a little more.)

Don't get me wrong, I am not at all sad or depressed, at least not to any great or even minor extent. Maybe just below minor though. haha.. but uhh.. yeah. I long to feel love and loved. To see it, to experience it, even if via a movie or a television show. It's the feeling of love. I think that's why I love Sammie so much. I LOVE Nacho too and he's my boy, but Sammie really does feel like my own baby sometimes. She's MINE. I can love her and I feel loved by her... when I'm not frustrated at her not peeing and pooing in the right place.

I used to always say and really believe I'd be fine and happy if I died early. In fact, I kinda wanted to, but now I just want to experience true love. I want to experience what it is to be married, and then what it is to have my own child. I don't want to miss out on those experiences.

All this thinking about love though... I had to question myself: is God's love enough for me? I don't think it is. Why isn't it? Because we're human? Why isn't God's love enough for me? Why do I want more? It's cause I'm human right?

I think I just kept going in circles thinking/praying about that until I fell asleep.

And speaking of sleep...

I want to write more, but I should really sleep now. I'm not going to wake up in time for work. First work day of 2011!!! Craziness....

I really need to sleep, but I just had to write this:

I can NOT believe 2011 is right around the corner. I just put something on my calendar for 2011 and it just hit me... 2011 IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!!! Literally in days. What the... craziness!! 2010 was/is quite a big year. So much happened. Big, big year. Wow.. is this for real? Is this really almost the end of 2010? Wow... Wow, wow, wow...

I can't believe I forgot to write this last week:

December 23, 2010. 7 years and counting.. Has it really been 7 years now? How much has changed, how much has stayed the same? Have I grown for the better?

What other people think of me is becoming less and less important; what they think of Jesus because of me is critical. —Cliff Richard

I wish I could say the same. I think they're both at the same level for me. I find both equally critical, but I can't see the former becoming less and less important to me. I wish it would though.

I think my post-ms is so much worse than my pre-ms. I just want to cry over everything. Everything makes me want to cry!

The good and bad make me want to cry, but whether good or bad, it feels like a sad cry that wants to come out.

I think part of it might be that I feel like I'm mourning... mourning the loss/change of relationships. Feeling like something's missing, no longer there.

Went over to Johnny and Annie's for leftover dinner after the Nica meeting. Oh my goodness how I love Jojo (Joanne). She is so precious. I can't believe how she's grown. It just blows my mind. I love her so much, thinking about her brings tears to my eyes. I'm sure a big part of it is PMS, but still... God, what a miracle a child is, let alone to see that child grow.

It's some crazy love I have for this girl. I love Ryan and Issachar too, but sadly it's different since Jojo's the one I see more often.

Wow, God. How does a 23 year old get a heart attack? I want to ask why, but I'm certain You have Your reasons. I KNOW You will be glorified through this insane situation. I pray for strength for the family, that their faith will be strong no matter what happens. I am thankful for the community of believers, brothers and sisters, so that we can lift him up in prayer together from all around the country, perhaps even world. May this be a testimony of who You are.

Wow, I can see how twisted the world is getting. How upside down and corrupt it has become, and it can't always be helped. That's the scary part. I mean it's obviously been on-going for a long long time, but now I feel like it's to a point where I don't think people can actually help themselves anymore. Isn't that terrifying to think about?

The future. We're told not to think too far ahead, plan too far ahead, but how far does that go? It can't be helped. I guess we think and plan knowing God might have plans of His own?

Talked to my dad last night. Talked about family financial issues and eventually lead to talk about the future, my future. Move? New job? Buy a house?

I need to start really saving up money so if I do move out to Queens, I can afford the down-payment on a place of my own. I need to be more thrifty, but I hope I never get cheap.

UPDATE: I always forget this part, but am always reminded of why I don't want to live in NY or am hesitant. Cockroaches and whatever other bugs (especially bed bugs) there are in in NYC compared to NJ.