There are so many things I want to do, but I end up not doing them because they are things I'd prefer not to do alone. Times like these are when I wish I had a friend I knew I could just call up to do that something. Or a sigoth would be nice too. It's about time...

I'm starting to appreciate my overweight-ness. I think I would look odd and would probably tip over if I were skinny since I have a lot of weight on top. lol

Sometimes.. you just gotta let go of those you love. We meet so many people throughout our lifetimes.. and it's impossible to stay in touch with everyone when everyone's moving on with their lives. It doesn't mean that they didn't leave a mark, it doesn't mean you don't love them any less... you just don't have time for them. I know it sounds terrible. If you love someone, you're supposed to make time, but sometimes it just doesn't work.

I feel bad for having lost touch with some friends. I still love them, I still care about them, but we're so distant in more ways than one now... it doesn't... matter in a way. I haven't forgotten them.. but I let go of trying to stay in contact... and I think that's okay. I know not everyone agrees.. and it's not always mutual. If everyone thought the same way, then we'd be fine, but eventually of course someone will feel hurt, but.. what can you do?

There's a difference between neglecting and ignoring the people in your lives now though.. and those who are living different lives that are completely unattached to yours now. I think that's entirely different. I'm talking about people who have moved away or are moving in different circles now.. have different priorities, etc.

I was just thinking about an old friend and wondering how he's doing and if he feels.. neglected. I don't think so though.. because he has his own life and new friends. I think we'd be okay if we just ran into each other again. No love lost. At least I would hope not. All of the above is in a very general sense though. There are always special cases and exceptions.

- on an entirely different topic - 

I like to think that a new start means I can reinvent myself or be the me I really am, and not the person created and defined by the people I've known for a really long time. But when I really think about it... if I actually had a new start... would I really be or act any different? Would I just be the same old me I've always been anyway? Since who I am has become habit for so long.. would I just default to what I've been all along with no change? That would suck.

Connie and I were talking the other day... and she asked me if I would be willing to move away from here (NJ/NY) if I was getting married and my fiance lived somewhere else. My first reaction was no and that I'd just look for someone in the area, then my actual answer was yes.. if I fit with the church there. Ever since it's kinda been in the back of my mind.

While I already did my church hopping stint and came to realize I wanted to stay at Newtown... I think down the road I could see myself being at another church. I wanted to stay and watch Newtown grow and evolve. I wanted to be part of it, but down the line... if the right man came along.. with a church I could see myself serving in.. I think I'd be okay. I'd miss Newtown people because they're like family.. but I think I'd be okay. Sometimes parts of me still just wants to move on and start new.

I think sometimes for me I feel like it's a "I love you, but I don't like who I am with you" type situation with Newtown. I don't blame the church itself for me not becoming who I could be, but I blame myself for how comfortable I am here.. hesitant to change too much because it's all I know how to be.