Been sick the last couple days. I don't know if that's what brought about this feeling of.. mushiness. Had to urge to reconnect with old friends. There's really something about telling someone you love them when you really feel it. It's almost freeing.

To love is one beautiful thing in itself. And then to be loved in return? Wow.

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Had an epiphany of sorts last night as I was getting ready for bed and just having a conversation with God. I realized something.. or most likely... He revealed something to me about how I view Him and about how I pray. I was in shock and disbelief at my sheer unthoughtfulness towards my Lord, my God. Pretty much disrespectful in how I see God.

As much as I know in my head all the bells and whistles of what it means to be a Christian and how one should behave and see God... I realized I was unknowingly treating him the exact way I knew I shouldn't have.

It's not that what I was praying was wrong in itself. I think it's good and I think He wants us to pray those things and lift them up to Him, but I think it was the spirit behind those prayers, the spirit in which they were prayed. It wasn't totally right. It was so selfish. They sounded as if life were about ME and that I was the priority.

Last night, after my "awakening", the words of this song came to me right away:

It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and Your fame
It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender
To Your ways

Amen.

This is something I need to pray over and remind myself constantly. It's so hard. It actually feels closer to impossible. It's so crazy how you can want something so bad, but still not do enough about it to make it happen. I don't understand it.

As strong as I think my faith is in the One who cannot be seen... there are times when I think I just need to see Him, touch Him and know He's physically here with me. Sometimes I feel like I just need that to feel strong enough, to feel like I really can do anything, conquer anything. I don't know what to make of it or what to do with it, this feeling, this thought.

I keep thinking about my prayer for what feels like so long now about my life, about what direction to take next, but then I think about how faithful someone like Wendy has been and how long she's been praying the same prayers for her family. How can I be so impatient? Not that it's about comparisons, but what's my one year to her decades?

I have so much to learn yet. I have so much to grow. I'm such a newbie at this being a daughter of God thing still.

I had a realization about myself today. I've been... "traumatized". A better way to put it may be.. I have learned a lesson from my past. Because of my past.. I am now more cautious. I have more walls up. Boundaries mean more to me now than it used to.

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I feel like I need to go away. It's the only way I can focus and be truly productive. It's the easy way out, but sometimes I feel like it's the better option for me, even so. I seriously feel like a waste of life here, where I am, right now, doing what I do, or don't do. I hate feeling purposeless. When I'm away.. at least I usually have a goal or a purpose to strive after. Here.. I'm just.. stuck and lost.

I want to do something. I want to do something with my life. As much as I can try to be involved in things, and help others out... there's only one thing that's almost always on my mind, and in my heart. I can join various ministries, but I don't think about them unless I have to.

I want to change. I want to do something different, something new. I need a new routine. Or I just need to not feel like I'm always in the same routine. Noticing I always write or say what I want... then I don't do much to go after what I want. Fail.

I NEED to change or else I'm going to hate myself for not doing anything about this. I NEED to do something.