Ever since before Nicaragua 2010, actually probably even Nicaragua 2009, I had been praying for change. At the time and even up until recently I prayed for boldness, for discipline and for direction. Eventually my general prayer for direction turned into a still general, yet slightly more specific prayer to figure out whether or not I should move from NJ to Queens, NY. Bundled with that prayer came questions about whether or not a new job would be part of the answer.
On September 18 I went to Hillsong NYC by myself. I had gone once before (August 22?) with Joyce. Hillsong senior Pastor Brian Houston was there with the United band, led by his son Joel. It was a little hard to understand his thick Aussie accent, but it was good. Anyway, on September 18 I decided to go back and check out how the regular Pastor, Carl Lentz, was. Apparently he was just starting his "Church in the Wild" series that week. After hearing the message I was hooked and had to hear the rest of the series. I thought it was just a spiritual high from being at Hillsong NYC church and listening to such a passionate speaker, but even the guest pastors at Newtown, though not as charismatic, had points that just stuck out to me and went well with everything I was hearing at Hillsong.
Each week that I went back, the more I felt a conviction in my heart. I felt repentant of the life I had been living, and felt convicted of the life I should be leading instead. Even the two guest speakers at Hillsong in the 5 consecutive weeks that I've been in attendance spoke to my heart. Week 3 was Christine Caine (founder of A21). She said something that really blew me away. She made an analogy. She told us a story of when she took her daughter to Walmart to buy a Barbie flashlight. After she had paid, her daughter took the flashlight and immediately pointed it toward the ceiling and turned it on. Her face got sad. Her mom asked her what was wrong. The little girl replied something like this, "Mommy, can we go find some darkness?" Her light could not be seen in the middle the heavily florescent lit Walmart. Chris Caine was taken aback. I was taken aback. All of a sudden it became clear what my whole life has been like. I had been given the light of Jesus Christ, but had only shone His light in what was already lit! Why, as Christians, do we shine our light among more light? The light doesn't need more light. The darkness needs the light! God gave us light so that we may go and shine it on the darkness of this world.
That right there was like a spear through my heart. I felt broken, I felt guilty, I felt wasteful like I had been such a bad steward of the knowledge God has given me about Him. I spent the week praying for God to change me, for God to keep this conviction in my heart, for God to reveal to me how to respond to such a revelation. Actually, that night when I got home, I decided I would do a 24 hour fast and pray that God would speak to me more clearly. The funny part is right after I told myself this, I believe Satan tried to break me that same night and the days following. I felt God granting me a new confidence in Him which in turn made me feel invincible and bold. While acting on this new found boldness I was careless in my words with someone and I thought I was going to lose a friend and brother in Christ. The next day I was distraught over the situation, but surprisingly I wasn't even hungry. Probably because I was so distraught! I ended up fasting for a couple other days that week and it really helped me to stay focused on God and God alone. It gave me peace over the situation and through the grace of God everything was worked out that weekend with my brother in Christ.
The following week Pastor Carl finished up his series on "Church in the Wild". I was excited to hear the last part of the series, but it wasn't as heart piercing as I thought. While I didn't have any "WOW!" moments though, Pastor Carl still made a lot of good points.
- We need to be authentic and transparent.
- Even scars tell a story so stop hiding them.
- People resonate more with our weaknesses than when we're at our best
- If you are willing to get dirty you will be wildly influential in the wild (world)
- Jesus carried our junk and baggage and bore it on the cross for us. If we are to be like Him, we should be carrying the baggage of others on us as well.
Then another week went by. I was probably less prayerful, and less active about holding onto my convictions that week. The routine of things came creeping back into my life and my mind wasn't as focused on God anymore. It felt so empty and meaningless even while I was in it, but I couldn't shake it off. Saturday night came and I wondered if I would go back to Hillsong the next day. The "Church in the Wild" series was over. Did I still need to go? By the time my head hit my pillow I had decided I would go anyway. I planned on going to the 6pm service, but a family dinner came up so I decided I would try to make it for the 8pm service instead. I ended up not going to dinner though and ended up getting to Hillsong before 7pm. I waited in line for about 50 minutes till we were let in. As I was standing in line I was tired from the night before, the long day, and I was just so weary I wasn't expecting God to really speak to me that night. Also it didn't help that I didn't get to talk to anyone on line. I was between two groups of friends. All the other weeks prior while waiting in line I got to meet really cool people so my mood was just not very upbeat at that point. Even finding a place to sit inside seemed like a chore. I just wasn't feeling very positive.
Worship started and I wasn't really into the first couple songs. Then there was a break and I got to talk to the guy next to me. That really lifted up my spirit so from then on it was just uphill. We went into more worship before the pastor came out to speak. It was Pastor Chad Veach from out in Seattle. He seemed pretty much like a clone of Pastor Carl. It was kind of funny, but I loved how he spoke. Although it was similar in style to Pastor Carl, Pastor Chad was throwing out verses left and right to back up all he was saying. It was incredible and I loved it. His message just cleared everything up for me. It was like THIS was the final chapter of the "Church in the Wild" series.
Pastor Chad preached on a tweet he read a few months prior by a pastor named Thomas Hansen (@thomaszhansen). I believe he's a youth pastor at Hillsong Australia. His tweet was this: "The Cause is clear. The Call is worth it. The Time is now. And His Grace is sufficient. Only 1 Q remains, Am I up 4 it?" I LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it. It was like God up in my face asking point blank, "do you get it now?" BAM! That's it. He was asking me, "Are you finally up for it? Cause the time is NOW."
I feel like in the last... maybe two years.. God has given me SOOOOOOOOOO many ideas and visions. What has come of them? Nothing, because I didn't do anything about them. It's funny because I like to collect quotes/sayings and save the ones I really like when I stumble upon them... like this one:
"Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare."
—Japanese Proverb
I think I always knew my problem. I just never did anything about it.
Towards the end of the service as Pastor Chad was saying things and as more worship music went on... I just broke. Tears were coming down my face and I was crying out to God. I wanted more. I wanted to act with urgency. I wanted to act knowing His grace is sufficient. I know I believe in the cause and I felt like I was being called. I wanted to answer "Yes! I'm up for it!" After the service was over I walked to my car and just sat there for a while. I didn't know what to do next. I ended up just praying some more in my car. My head down I was just asking God for direction, asking Him what He wanted me to do with all this. I felt like for the past couple months He has been stirring something up in me, He was finally slowly answering my prayers and guiding me somewhere. I just kept asking Him over and over again what it was He wanted from me. I wanted to surrender. After I collected myself.. I eventually pulled my car out of my parking spot and drove slowly still.. in my head just trying to figure out what the next step was. I guess I didn't really stop praying. I decided to take the slower way home with all the traffic lights before getting onto the highway. I didn't want to drive in the hectic-ness of the highway right away. I still needed time to process without being distracted. As I was only a couple lights away from getting on the highway where I would have no more red lights to stop at... I found myself writing a text to my brother. I took what felt like a giant leap into uncertain territory. Once I pressed send.. I wouldn't be able to take it back. I asked him to pray for me because I was thinking about going into full-time ministry. I had to tell someone because I needed him to keep me accountable. I finally pressed send. I couldn't take it back and I had put that out there. I said it "out loud". I think I was crying or tearing. I don't remember. I couldn't believe I just shared that with someone. I feared I was going to make myself into a liar or a failure.
My brother called me just as I was about to get home and once I got home I just sat in the driveway, in my car. We talked for about 40 minutes. I shared with him what was going on in my life recently, what I felt God was doing and telling me and how I had been feeling. I was pretty much sobbing through the entire phone call. I couldn't stop myself. He ended up praying for me over the phone and peace started coming over me.
This week has been hard though. Going back to work was hard. Then I got sick. As miserable as I felt.. I think it was a gift in disguise. I was able to spend time at home, in quiet and try to work things out with God more. I did things I had been meaning to do. I stepped out in more boldness. I pray it keeps going. God has helped me set things in motion and I can't take it back now. All I can do now is move forward in faith. His grace is sufficient. Come what may. Whatever more trials put before me, I know where my strength and confidence comes from. I must be careful and not confuse my own desires with His though. I pray that He will make the distinction more clear. I pray that in all I do, I do with His glorification in mind.
This is the beginning. I don't know where it will take me, but I know as long I am trying to hear where He's calling me to and for, everything will be okay. I know I will be much more joyful because of it. I haven't been really content with my life in a long time and I think it's because I haven't been doing what I've been called to do.
Another one of my favorite quotes is this:
"Your calling is where your deep gladness meets the worlds deep need."
—Frederich Buechner
I pray that it's true and that I will be able to surrender my own will to His. So far it feels like a lonely path. I don't know if that's normal, but I pray that others would encounter and experience something similar too. Also, I pray that I never give up. Every day, every morning feels like a struggle to pursue a more righteous path. It's really hard. I'm terrified of failing and falling back into old habits, but I gotta try. At least now I'm more aware and more intentional. This new conviction I have is on my mind more so it helps me to remember what I need to do. If the time is NOW, I'm just trying to make the best I can out of today, out of now. Just taking it day by day...
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God, You are just so incredible. It's true that words cannot express just how wonderful You are. Never let me forget. Keep my eyes open so I can see Your beauty and Your hand in all things. Your love and grace take my breath away. What You've done I can never repay. I want to give You my heart, I want to give You my life. It's Yours. Lead me, Father, for I know Your ways are better than mine and that Your path leads to eternity with You. Help me to continue this race with conviction, with my eyes on the prize which is You. Your rod and staff are always with me. Please, grant me the heart of David and the obedience of Paul. Thank You, my Lord, my Savior, my Love.
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