I have so many words to say, so many songs I want to write, but just don't have the right words to express it all. I think I feel the need to be as perfect as possible. Everything has to be right. But nothing is. I need the perfect words, but I can never find them. I also feel the need to make it work for everyone, please everyone. That's impossible too. I just think too much, and I wish I didn't

I think the more I live, the more I evaluate myself, the more I realize how superficial I can be sometimes. It's part of my desire for everything to be as perfect as can be. When it comes to things I care about... there isn't much that I would consider "good enough" for me. I think sometimes I just force myself to settle, but then there are things I won't settle for.

I rarely take risks when it comes to something I put out. I'm not one to put myself out there and risk failure and embarrassment when it comes to certain things. I think that's why I haven't released any of my songs yet. I can't please every single person because everyone has different tastes in music.

I know I should write for myself and I want to. That's how it usually starts out, but then I can't help but think about what everyone else might think about it. It's annoying.

Wow, I haven't felt like writing anything in over a week! I still don't really. Just wanted to write something to break the emptiness.

Okay, never mind. I'll try to write a little.

Dreams. Are we supposed to just go for it? No matter what it is? Really?

I'm torn between what people are telling me is true and what really is true. What people are advising doesn't always mean it's good advice, no?

Okay, that's all I got. lol

I wanted to write something, but now I can't remember what.

Oh, yes, I remember now. It's one of the "Today's Thought" things we get each day that I just read. It stuck out to me because I think that's how I want to live my Christian life.

As a Christian, I hope I can lead the kind of life that makes others look at me and say,
"What's missing in my life that she has?"  That's a greater testimony than anything I can say.
—Marilyn Quayle

Maybe I'm just scared, lack boldness or whatever, but I'm not the type to just go up to random people and evangelize. Instead I'd rather BE a light, rather than tell people I'm a light. You know? I think that's why sometimes I just don't feel fulfilled where I work. The majority of the people in this building and everyone in my department is Christian. Well, "Christian". So I guess I can still try to be an example to the latter Christians, but generally, I feel like I make no impact. I want to be surrounded by more non-christians. It's such a great place to work, but the reason I'm determined to stay here for 5 years is so that I'll have some vested interest when I leave. It's a terrible, earthly reason, but I guess until I feel compelled or called to change where I work, I'll stay. As nice as it is to work here, a huge part of me is staying more out of security and fear of the ladder climbing, backstabbing, corporate world.

If I weren't "stuck" here.. I love thinking of all the possibilities of what I'd be free to do. Gosh, I thought once I had a stable job.. that would be it. Just stay and not worry about it anymore. Just focus and worry about the other parts of life not relating to work. It's just work. Okay, I really don't know how to end this. That's it I guess.

-

I don't understand why people go to church and keep going to church sometimes. It makes no sense to me. Why do people go if they don't really believe? What keeps them going if they don't have a personal relationship that's the reason bringing them back. Not saying it's a bad thing. At least they are going, but I feel like if it were me, I dunno. I just don't understand.

Why do people call themselves Christians? I want to know what they believe in. Why not just call themselves a decent human being? Just tell people you're not a murderer and it'd be the same thing as calling yourself a "Christian" because nothing else really sets you apart from anyone else. I think we need to ask Christians what they believe in, why and what it means to them as much as we ask others.

I think part of me gets annoyed thinking about it. I want to expose those who are "Christians" out there. Not to judge them, or to single them out, but to wake them up. So we know who needs to wake up and so we can help them see that that there's more to than just calling yourself a Christian. There's more for you if you only knew, if you only wanted more...

I'm not any better off. The way I live my life is probably really close to those "Christians", but I think I at least have a head start in the right direction by acknowledging that I haven't figured it all out, that I know there's more and that I want it.

-

I finally read all the little notes from my Nicaragua team members. I don't know why it took so long, but I read it last night and a lot of the stuff that people wrote... almost felt like prophecies. It was almost like I was supposed to read it last night and not any earlier or later. No predictions of the future or anything like that, but just stuff that I really needed to "read". It was really encouraging. Kinda confuses me more and makes things more confusing and complicated in my head, lol.. but it's encouraging nonetheless.

I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be praised for anything or at least I just don't know how to respond or take it, but I really need a lot of encouragement. In that way I am needy. I don't think I'm outwardly needy in that way, but it's just that when I'm not encouraged or affirmed every one in a while I question myself a lot. It feels wrong, doesn't it? I feel like I should just know who I am and believe in that, believe in myself. I don't though.

I think by the end of the year I can accumulate about 15 days of vacation. That's if I don't use any from now till then though...

Let's say 5-6 days for missions, maybe another 5 for vacation after that. Hmm.. I think I can afford a mini vacation/extended weekend away before the end of the year, but to where?

-

I want to be ____________ .

I wish I could ____________ .

FRUSTRATED! I told myself and God on the way to work that if I did not make it in time, it wasn't meant to be, and He didn't want me to go, and that it'd be fine. However, I didn't take my time and tried to get to work as fast as possible, even doing things that I hate when other drivers do. Everything that could have hindered me, hindered me! I should've taken a hint, but I persisted. What's worse was after I did what I don't like other to do myself, I felt shame and guilt. That makes me even more mad at myself.

- 1 Hour Later -

Okay, I'm okay now. I'm fine. I think it's that initial feeling of failure after having a plan set and going out of your way to try and make something happen. The things we do for stupid, trivial things. Really stupid. I just wanted to get tickets to a Sheryl Crow/Brandi Carlile concert. lol.. I'm already going to a BC concert though, and a Mat Kearney so I'm really looking forward to those. I really want to go to a John Mayer concert too. Maybe next year. Also determined to make it to a Priscilla Ahn concert. I don't know when she'll start touring again, or ever, but hopefully she does. I just found out she got married recently too!! To Michael Weston (the guy from House who's dating Cuddy). And of course, if Missy ever returns from OZ and does a show nearby, I'm definitely gonna be there. Hmm.. who else?

I haven't corresponded with Jenny in a while. I was thinking about her, Aaron and Josiah today, and the little one to come. Decided to send her a FB message. Thinking about them makes me miss her. I still don't understand this feeling of connection I have to Jenny. It's probably one-sided, but it really doesn't make that much sense to me. Our total time of interaction and face time amounts to less than 2 weeks of my life. Probably only 8 or 9 days to be more exact. And yet I felt like I automatically loved this sister. I don't know why. I actually probably talked more in person with Aaron, and yet.. yeah. I don't understand, lol, but it is what it is.

I think it could be that I saw a little of myself in her, but that she was closer to the person I wish I could be. She was (and I guess still is) the possibility of a better version of me. Does that make sense? Gave me hope for myself I guess.

Anyway, look at this beautiful family:

I find them inspiring, the way they are living their lives in service to God.

I kind of wish I wasn't such a wuss about talking to people on the phone. Maybe that's why I don't have really close, intimate relationships with people. Aside from living far from the people I care about, I don't talk to people much even though everyone has a phone. Jenny would always call me if she was too busy to write back and what not, but I admitted to her once that I wasn't much of a phone person so she actually started apologizing for calling when she did. lol.. And now I can't remember the last time we actually talked...

When I think about it, I think I do have intimacy issues. As much as I wish to have someone in my life with whom I can be completely vulnerable with... the thought of actually being so terrifies me I think. The idea is nice and great, but for it to be reality is too much I think. There are different levels of intimacy and I think I cut everyone off at a certain point. Hopefully the person I end up marrying (if I do get married) will have passed that point. Otherwise, I probably shouldn't be marrying them to begin with. lol..

I think it would be nice to have a sister as well as a significant other to be that way with. I think part of me wanted that sister to be Jenny. For me it works out that she's far away because she'd have a more unbiased look at my life and the people around me. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but I'd prefer it. lol... 'cause it feels easier to share things with someone who's not staring you in the face. lol... almost like sharing things with a stranger. Sometimes it's just easier.

I'm just so Asian or Taiwanese on the inside. There's a lot I hide, a lot I'm ashamed of, afraid to admit and say out loud. I feel like I physically can't share some things because it's not in my nature to. lol.. it's so bad. Plus, I have no practice doing so, so I literally would not know how to because I have no practice or experience. haha

Yes, I'm making excuses. Thank God for God, though. He's probably my only release and comfort for those things.

This scares me:

What is wrong with the producers out there? This is terrible garbage!!!! It's High School Musical/Glee meets Twilight. UGHH... PUKE WORTHY!!!! I like all those shows/movies on their own, but come on!! This is ridiculous!!! Did they not use some kind of test panel first? I can't imagine ANYONE would like this. TERRIBLE!!!!! One of the worst things my eyes have ever seen. lol

"All of us have the Holy Spirit but the question is: does the Holy Spirit fully have you?!!" (Pastor Stephen Chong via Christine) 

I guess not. That's the real problem isn't it?

Oh, Bebo, how I have missed you and your music.

There's a nervousness, a nervous feeling, flowing through my bones. I don't know what it is or why.

On a totally unrelated note: Anyone know anything about turntables/record players? I want something that can record so I can put it on my computer. If it has speakers on it, that's cool, but it'd also be nice if I could hook up separate speakers. I'm not in a rush. It's something that I'd love to have if I have my own place one day.