Ugh, something's wrong with me I think. I just woke up from a 4-5 hour nap a while ago. I totally could've kept sleeping too. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel sick and kinda physically/emotionally/mentally messed up. I don't think naps are good for me. Power naps only I think, if I can ever take only a power nap.

I started to develop an interest in a stranger... but then I heard him singing his music. LOL

Fooled by a first impression. It was fun for the 5 minutes it lasted at least. haha

Shed enough tears today, I couldn't bear to start it again. Just couldn't.
I don't think my eyes could handle it. Suppressed it. What a day.

To put it mildy, today has been "okay".

It wasn't all bad though. It was okay. There were good times, but the bad stuff just stands out more.

I hope it's just 'cause that time of month might be appraoching.

:: 10 minutes later ::

Nevermind. Floodgates opened. Couldn't keep it in. Has to be that time of month. Started out as tears of sadness and frustration that wanted to come out, but then tears as a result of a heartfelt, extremely "aww" moment came streaming out. Thank You, GOD. A good way to go to bed tonight. Good night.

I wasn't in a depressed or dark mood. I just have a lot of garbage in my life, both figuratively and literally. Need to clean it all out!!!

Garbage. Simply garbage.

Ugh, back home and back to reality. Back to work tomorrow, back to the same old routine. I feel like a different person just being back here, or I guess the same person as before I left. Ahh... me no likey. Especially this crazy humidity. I'm sweating so much. Yuck. Yes, it's putting me in a whiny, complaining mood. lol

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Now THIS is insanity.

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I feel like I need to re-evaluate my life. I need to some how reset. I don't think it's possible though. Not fully, anyway. I think I desperately just want change. Something big. I don't think I care what it is, but obviously change for better or at least just something different that isn't necessarily better or worse.

There's something I want to say, but I'm afraid to say because it goes against a lot of how I think, feel and believe in. I really feel like I'm hitting a point in my life where... yeah, I guess it's this re-evaluating my life thing. I think it's part of it.

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I keep coming back to this entry and adding stuff. I think I'm kinda going through a quarter life crisis type deal. I'm wondering if the life I've lived has been.. worth it. I mean I know I've been very blessed, but I'm wondering if I could have lived it better, and I know I could've. Maybe "worth it" isn't the right phrasing. I guess I'm wondering if I should live it differently. I wouldn't know how or where to start, but I dunno... yeah... change.

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1:24 am

I should really go to sleep. Work tomorrow. I can't believe it!! I dunno if it's because I'm on Cali time. Still unwinding perhaps. Picked up my guitar for a little while just before. I came up with 2 chord progressions/melodies and some brief, rough lyrics that just came out. I think I just missed music and my guitar in general while being away. I hope I wake up on time tomorrow. lol..

I think as shy and uncertain I am about these songs I'm writing, I'm hoping I will eventually have about a dozen completed songs I'm happy with and perhaps one day record as professionally as possible. Even if only for myself to feel like I've accomplished something that really means a lot to me, something I can take out when I'm old and gray and be like... "wow.. it's not much, but I actually made that myself!" I know they're very simple and really immature? novice? plain? songs.. but it's something. It's a start and I think something I can be proud and embarrassed of at the same time. haha

On a completely unrelated note, I have so much to catch up on. What's new? But even more so now. And my room is a disaster from when I was packing for LA and now unpacking after returning from LA. Need to do a major clean up, attempt to simplify my room and then maybe my life as well.

Hehe, I felt like responding to Jen's entry about John Mayer being (or not being) a douche.

I really don't like him because I actually do think he's a douche/jerk, but at the same time part of me can't blame him for being who he believes he just is. What can you say? He's pretty honest about what he thinks and about who he is.. I think. Not that it makes it right, but I'm sure countless others in the world are just like him. It's just that he's famous and all the little things he does is out in the open for the most part. Compared to those other guys, he's probably the least harmless.

I think I actually find his honesty really admirable, even though the things he's honest about aren't always about good things. It's weird. I hate/love John Mayer. If I could surgically remove just a couple things, I'd be in love with the man and stalk him. lol...

The only thing that makes him a douche and a jerk is how he treats his significant others post relationship. I feel like he doesn't respect them. He may or may not be a great guy throughout the duration of the relationship, but that aside, from things he's said in interviews and whatnot about past relationships really is what makes him seem like a big fat jerk. So, minus that, I think he's great, talented, funny (though sometimes too dirty for my taste) and again I find his honesty and what seems like sincerity really attractive. Yes, he could quite possibly resemble my dream guy, but I find his flaws too big in my book for me to drool over him. I don't find him very attractive in looks, but he's okay looking and the rest of his personality is really what makes up how I see him.

Maybe I'm bored, but I've always wanted to talk about John Mayer, because as much of a jerk as he is.... I love his music and he really does have a certain charm about him when he's not being a douche.

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I'm wondering if it's time. I'm wondering if I should just set aside all my idealisms and get crackin'. Is it time? Sigh... it scares me, but maybe it's part of growing up, something to help me mature as an adult. I've been thinking a lot about my ideals, about what I'm looking for, what I want and... I don't think it's possible,I don't know if it exists or if it's only because I'm not really looking. Maybe it's time to open up again. I don't know if it's just because of today or what, but at this very second, moment, I want to move forward sooner rather than later. I don't want to give up on and throw all my ideals out the window, but maybe I'll start trying a little more, give people a chance.

Ehh, it's late and I'm tired. Maybe I'll finish my thoughts at another time on this subject... or maybe not. We'll see. 

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"We all experience disappointment [or failure], but who we become depends on how we respond."

I feel funny. Maybe it's just anxiousness of knowing I'll be going on a plane and this time tomorrow I'll be sleeping on the West Coast in Pasadena. I know it's not even a whole week I'll be away, but the mystery of not knowing what's going to happen might be making me a little.. nervous/excited. I'll either be going to a taping of the Ellen show, or I'll be at a taping of the Leno show on Thursday. Other than that, everything else is up in the air.

So maybe it's that, or the fact that I haven't even begun to pack. I've started setting things aside, but that's it. Laundry is done. Don't know how big a suitcase I'll need. Trying to just do a carry-on, but I don't know if I will be able to stuff everything in one. This will be my 3rd flight alone, but the longest. This will also be the most unprepared I've ever been for a trip. Playing everything by ear. Even my ride to and from the airport. Everything is just kind of happening last minute. Part of me doesn't even care. If I need to take a taxi or bus, I'm up for the challenge. Pretty sure I'm getting picked up at LAX tomorrow though.. I think. haha

Oy.. I should sleep. I think I might leave work even earlier than I had planned so I can be sure I pack everything I need.

I don't know if it's the late hour or what, but for some reason I feel like a new.. or at least just different person.. than I was yesterday. And I don't know why.

SIGH...

I don't know why.

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I started writing a new song today. Don't know if it's any good or even just decent. Got most of the melodies down, but having trouble with the chorus. I'd say half or a little more than half of the lyrics are done too.

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The world and things of this world just really bogs me down. It makes me care about things I don't want to care about. It occupies my mind with things I don't want to be wasting time thinking about.

I think some people are stupid. Standing up for, debating ridiculous things. I don't even think they really care about it.

I wish I didn't care. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Just generally I think. Feeling a little annoyed at... stuff.