I'm feeling kind of empty.

Somehow music makes me feel a little more whole.

Listening, playing, singing, writing, creating, anything.

I really want my own place, my own fridge, my own kitchen, my own rooms. I feel like it would be inspiring and motivating.

After work I come home, rest a bit, do my Insanity workout, shower, eat... and that's about all I have time and energy for these days.

Today after the workout I was in a picture taking.. dare I say.. "modeling", and photoshop-ing mood. Photoshop helps me de-stress. It was a somewhat stressful day at work. Deadline at 4 to get a mock-up ready to be overnighted to the Commissioners (kinda like the "president" of Salvation Army's Eastern Territory) who were away somewhere. So there's that to decompress from, plus just a lot of stuff on my mind.

Here is the result of me de-stressing:

LOL... I can't believe I'm posting this up. I'm amused by/at/with myself though. Figured I might as well show it if I spent time to make it. And all 3 things I'm wearing in the picture really are Nike brand. haha.. Nike should send me some new kicks for this free advertising!

Here's the original:

HAHAHA... oh my.. this is definitely going to be one of those things I look back at and have a good laugh at myself. I don't even know what I'm doing with my hand in the picture. I contemplated facebooking this, but I think that would be too much, and too much exposure for something like this that I'd rather keep to the few people who read my xanga as opposed to facebook's... well... everyone. To be honest though, part of me still wants to put it on facebook somewhere just to see what reactions come out of it. What do you think? I don't know.

In any case, I'm still very amused with myself right now. hahahahaha... sigh... good stuff.

And here's a picture of the one of the daisies I bought for my mom the other day. Came home, saw them on the table and just felt like snapping a pic. I really like daisies. So simple, but beautiful. I love them in this color especially.

Erf.. I already feel like planning my next mini trip. Where to? When? Hmm...

Two people very dear to me are graduating at the same time (if we were all in the same time zone) tomorrow, though technically today. I wish I could be at two places at once. See? It's times like these that I wish I had the power of teleportation. With the time difference it wouldn't be a problem and it'd work out perfectly! Ugh... lol

Good night.

Wow.. one whole week since I last blogged. Not sure why. Nothing to blog? Or too much on my mind to blog? Nothing interesting enough to blog?

I have something now, but it's really not that interesting though.

I really, really want to go to a Ray LaMontagne concert one day. I have no idea what to expect though. I might not like him live, but I might really like it. I think I might. It's not the kind of concert I would want to go to alone though. I don't know anyone else who likes him. I feel like going to a concert of his is something I would want to do with my husband one day. Not even someone I'm dating. Or I dunno. I think it's just cause I can imagine taking in a Ray LaMontagne concert with someone I'm married to or it's something I would hope my future husband would like to share with me.

If I had a superpower right now, it would be to read people's minds. I think I've come to the conclusion that if I could only have on superpower though.. it would be the ability to teleport. I could visit anyone I want. I could go to concerts all around the world. I could see anything I want. I could leave any place I'm at. I'd be.. "free". I wouldn't have to waste time in traffic, drive, or fly unless I wanted to. Yup. I'm set on that.

I'm in one of those late night moods when I want to think and talk about deep things like... superpowers. I have no idea how I got here from Ray LaMontagne. lol

I almost started this "deep" convo marathon with Connie, but she had to go sleep cause her parents and grandma are visiting her and she was afraid she might be waking them. Thus, I turn to xanga. We were going to talk about something else though. Why are you friends with the people you're friends with? Why do you like them? Why do you want to spend time with them? What makes you like someone enough to call them your best friend? When Connie last visited we were in the car and.. I don't remember if her friends from school were in the car with us or if it was just the two of us, but I think she asked me "Why do you like me?" or was it like "What do I give you in this relationship?" I don't remember. Something along those lines. Ever since I've thought about it on and off. I'm not going to write my answer here as that's something I want to share with her first. I mean it's not a secret or anything, but I feel like to answer it here would make our convo later less.. "special". haha

Anyhoo.. yes. I wish I could read minds and understand why people treat me the way they do. I'm a self admitted people pleaser for the most part, so I want to know why I can't seem to please certain people. I want to know what's "wrong" with me so I can try to change for the better. I want to be the best I can be. Is that a kind of self-centered-ness? I wonder. Perhaps it is.

Okay. I'm getting tired. No more random late night thinking "out loud". Till next time!

Oh wait. One more thing. Insanity is INSANE, but it feels good.

There seems to always be something wrong with me. Today it's my left thumb. It's bruised, but it's not black and blue. It feels really bruised though. Really annoying. lol

.. and apparently I'm still dizzy. I think it's just for a few hours after I wake up. We'll see if it goes away like it did yesterday.

Good news. It's gone, kind of. At least the annoying low pitched ringing. It's more like a normal pitch now of heightened white noise which I can bring myself to ignore... I think. What's really annoying now though is... I woke up feeling dizzy when I move around. The room doesn't spin, but it's like I'm moving with waves or something with every movement I make. I feel fine when I'm still though. Just a little light headed. I guess it's as if I'm standing or moving around on a flat wooden raft in the ocean. 

Ugh... I really don't want to go to the doctor and definitely not the ER and I'm not going to unless this thing doesn't go away. I just got done with paying all my medical bills from when I had the concussion. It's ridiculous. I think my health insurance got worse in terms of ER coverage when my company switched to Aetna. I don't remember paying as much last time. At least now I have a primary care physician though.

Blah..

Today is one of those days I just feel like I'm done. Done with life. It might be this darned low pitched ringing in my ears all day causing me much aggravation, distress and unrest or PMS or just something else entirely. I don't know what, but I just want it all to end. I think it's starting to make me nauseous. Almost reminiscent of when I had the concussion. Maybe I really did mess up my head and this is some delayed thing happening.

Oh God, please let it be gone by the time I wake up in the morning. Either don't be anything serious, or be so serious that it's over quickly.

Night.

http://www.jesusculture.com/

I want to go to a Jesus Culture conference. It reminds me of worship at onething. I miss it. I miss feeling overwhelmed by the Spirit. I know it's a high that I miss, but it's a good high, a high I wish I never come back down from because when I do I just feel empty. I feel empty now. Even just watching the video gave me a slight boost, but when it ended, I just came crashing back down to earth. I feel like I'm running on fumes, barely living the way He wants me to.

I remember onething. I remember the first time I heard Misty Edwards singing this song. I love it. I think it's probably one of my "power" worship songs. After onething I had a huge desire to become a prophetic worship leader. I still do. It's been over 3 years now. I remember us talking about what we would bring back, what we would change, what we wanted to commit to. From 2007 to 2010.. what has changed? I'm sure we all have, but I'll just speak for myself and say the progression is so minute.. I don't know if it's even noticeable. I think it's positive progress, but barely in the grand scheme of things. It's so sad.

I can't go a day without realizing the worthlessness of the things I surround and concern myself with. "Everything is meaningless." The three words that creep into my head day in and day out. I don't know how to get passed it. My greatest trial and struggle in this last year is becoming more aware of my short comings. It's a good place to start, but a bad thing if you don't do anything about it. Ignorance is bliss. I think even God acknowledges that.

Part of me just wants to ask God to take EVERYTHING away from me, just strip my life bare until only He remains, but the other part of me knows He might just do it if I ask and that terrifies me. I take the phrase "be careful what you [ask] for" very seriously, especially when it comes to asking from the Lord. He's a tricky one. haha

If all I am left with is the memory of a dream.. that's enough. Real or not, it's a memory, no?