Speechless. Amazed. Wow. In awe.

Thankful for the Father and what He means to those who know Him.

3 rules:

1. Only sleep 4 hours after the last thing or meal you ate.

2. Drink only water

3. When you have a craving for something, have fruit instead.

Starting... NOW. Actually, start tomorrow. I want to finish the Snapple I got today.

Hmm.. I don't think I can do this. hahaha.. But it's also in addition to my attempt at exercising more regularly and attempt to eat somewhat more healthily. I got Nike+ to motivate me and keep myself informed on my progress (or lack thereof). I walked/jogged 2 miles on Thursday. I didn't calibrate my Nike+ though, so who knows how accurate that is. Hopefully I'll get myself to the track so I can calibrate it this week. This week and the week before my body has been recuperating from the shock of exercising and stretching. lol.. so sad. Just sore in places that haven't been sore in a looooong time since I hardly use any of the muscles in my body. Again, sad. I know...

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Btw, has summer come early this year or something? Is it just me? It's so nice at night right now though. I LOVE IT!

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How come no one seems to believe me when I say I might never get married. I don't know if they're just being nice or if they really think that 'cause I can actually see myself being single indefinitely. I'm not trying to put myself down or anything, but I think it's seriously by choice. Not saying I don't sometimes wish I wasn't single, but right now it's a conscious decision even if something came up I think. My mind says "no way"... at least for the moment, I guess.

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Uhh.. I either got tanned today or... I accidentally bleached part of one of my fingers.. though I'm pretty sure it's the latter. Grr.. I hope the color comes back. Stupid, stupid.

Of all natural disasters, the one that freaks me out the most is volcanoes.

The eruption of Eyjafjalajökull

After watching that video, my insides started to get all mushy and weak. Haha, I don't know why I described it like that, but it really did. I don't remember which volcano movie it was that I watched that totally gave me nightmares. It was either "Volcano" or "Dante's Peak"... Okay it was "Dante's Peak". I just read the synopsis. That movie gave me the heebee jeebees. For seriousness. I have a super weak spot for old people. They get an enormous amount of sympathy, empathy and compassion from me. When I see someone doing something messed up to an old person or just see anything bad or sad happening, it makes me want to cry, and I actually get on the verge of tears pretty often at those times. So when I watched that movie and the grandmother's feet got caught in the lava.... ohhhh oh ohhh my goodness. Just the thought of it right now seriously creeps me out. I want to poke my eyes out. lol... or the eyes of my mind cause now I'm picturing it. AHHhhh... it's just terrible. I don't remember if I cried, but I'm pretty sure I wanted to puke when that scene happened. I want to puke now thinking about it. AHHH... freakin' volcanoes!!! It's like hell trying to come up from the ground. LOL...

No need to wonder how I'd rather die. Freeze me. Don't burn me, please.

I think if I ever get caught near an erupting volcano and the lava is spewing all around me.. I'll just jump right into it and hope I die right away. lol.. I'd rather throw my whole body in than suffer partial body burns. Would that be considered suicide though? haha

Wow, what a strange topic for me to blog about..
 

This feeling just came over me so strongly... I really miss the girl. I miss Brandi. LOL! I can't really listen to her music these days though cause I've just listened to it too much, but I miss hearing her live, seeing her and the boys live. I miss just sitting there, soaking in the music, watching in awe as she sings and they all rock out.

I went to see Gregory Alan Isakov last week with Jerllin who's never heard of him before and she liked him. To me, he's like the guy version of Brandi. When I listen to him, I sit and listen in awe of the music coming out of him. Rosi Golan and Dan Torres (never heard of him before) opened for him. I didn't really like Rosi much live, but I do like her music.

Anyway, Gregory. Sigh... he made my night.

After the concert I went to the bathroom and Jerllin said she'd wait for me outside. When I got out of the bathroom I started to leave and saw the merch table and Greg just stand on the side talking to someone. It didn't look like that many people were trying to get to him as much as to the CDs and whatnot so I figured I'd try and see if I could get through and just say "hi". He was still talking to some girl who I think might've been a friend of Rosi's and a few people were standing nearby. I asked if they were waiting to talk to him and they just waved me to go on so I went and waited a moment while he said "bye" to the girl. When he was done he looked at me and I was like "Hey!" and he looked at me looking like he was trying to place me and I was like "remember me? [big smile]" and then his eyes lit up and he was like "HEY!! YEAHH!!! Come here!" and he happily initiated a nice big hug and was like "yeah I remember! it's so good to see you again!!! thanks for coming tonight! did you come all the way from Jersey?" I went on to say what a great show it was, to thank him for his music and we just chatted like old friends for a little while. It was sooooooooo cool and surreal. I felt like out of everyone there that I was the only familiar face to him. Such a nice feeling. hehe.. We didn't chat for too long though cause I knew Jerllin was outside waiting for me so I quickly asked someone if they could take a picture of us for me, said goodbye and then ran out. I think I actually might've cut him off while talking because I didn't want to forget to take a picture with him like I did the two previous times I've seen him. It was a crowded little space there too so I just felt like maybe I was taking up too much of his time and room. lol..

AHhhhh... I love the man. The pic of me and Greg below.

Can't wait till he comes back again with his new album and hopefully the whole band. He said he would though. He's not the best looking man in the world, but so sweet.. and kinda shy. Hmm.. I wonder how old he is. haha.. I don't like him like that though. I just love his music and hearing him live.

Jordin Sparks concert tonight. Never been to a concert with her type of music before. It's GA so I'm hoping I don't get too tired of standing. lol... and I don't really know what her songs are. Just the ones they play on the radio. I hear she's good live though. It'll be fun, I think.
 

I'm slowly starting to realize how you never really know who someone is. People keep surprising me with the good and the bad. Obviously, it's the bad that stands out the most though because not many people feel the need to hide the good. The scary part is knowing that, yet still allowing yourself to feel like you do know someone that well only to realize you really didn't. Vulnerability is a difficult thing. I think it's another reason, perhaps a big reason, why the idea of getting involved with anyone turns me off. I'm more happy day dreaming and soaking up whatever emotional pornography I can get. It's like a drug, a high, without the real-life repercussions and heartache. It's like having a relationship through proxy. lol.. but as with any drug, I know it can't be a healthy thing in the long run either.

As much as I love the people in my life, the thoughts that go through my mind when I think about them sometimes and their motives terrify me and I pray I'm just wrong and making things up in my head. Truth is though... as easily as I could be wrong, I know I could also be right. I know no one is perfect though (including myself), and that's how I get through life. Doesn't make it easy though.

I'm probably as scared of letting others in than I am of being let in.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my past and how it has affected me more than I realized, but I am starting to realize it now. It actually kind of sucks when I think about it, but another part of me has finally come to a point where I'm thankful in a way for how things happened because I finally see how it could have been worse for me.

1. Scavenger hunts are fun! It started out with Jonas trying to hide/put my bag somewhere where I couldn't reach it, but then I saw him doing that so he stopped, but then when I wasn't paying attention he took my bag and hid it somewhere else and left me a trail of clues back to it. Then later when AWANA was about to start Jonas gives me Dennis' glasses and tells me to do one for/to him, so I did. It was really fun! Victor recorded the whole hunt with my Kodak. I'll see if I can upload the video somewhere. lol.. I believe he said it's like 18 minutes long.

2. I just had a sudden urge to want a baby. My own baby. Don't care so much for the husband/father part on a selfish level, but yes, of course I'd want my child to have a father. I just want a baby for a day though. LOL.. or maybe a few days.

3. I feel like I just had a vacation. This whole weekend, though short, felt like I went away for a while. I'm tired, yet in a weird way feel.. refreshed. I don't even remember what I did at work on Friday. Work is just so distant in my mind. It's a nice feeling. I am so tired though. Studio Square for Dave Ko's bday on Friday night. Sports Authority, driving out to Hamburg, NJ, watching How to Train a Dragon in IMAX 3D and Houlihans' on Saturday. First time ushering, empanadas, Monopoly Deal, scavenger hunts and Mi Tio's today/Sunday.

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A few days ago I was going to write about how sad I was getting about Jonas and Felix getting married by the end of the year. I kept reminiscing about when we were younger and the three of us used to play a lot together, talk, and dream about our futures, what it would be like when we grew up. As happy as I am for them.. it's a big change, even though I know Jonas and Caroline probably won't change too much since they've already been together for so long, but I really believe something has to change. I mean getting married is no small deal even if they have been together for like 12 years. lol... but that's just my opinion. I don't know what will change or if anything will change at all, but I just think something will. It will be really cool too though. It's exciting, but yes, it will mark the end of an era. I never imagined we'd get to this point in our lives. Especially seeing as how I thought I would die before I went to college. lol

I think in a way I feel like I'm "losing" two of my best friends. If it weren't weird, I would want Felix and Jonas to be in my bridal party. Well, that is IF I ever get married. Honestly, the way I feel about being in a relationship, let alone getting married, right now is how Jonas and Caroline feel about having kids. haha

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Speaking of their wedding... it's time to find the right bridesmaid dress. ><
This is going to be.. difficult. It may be time to go on a real diet and exercise more regularly. haha... or start fasting for real and the loss of weight would just be a welcomed benefit at the right time. lol

Oy...

I feel like I'm just waiting for life to happen to me sometimes.

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Okay, rambling time.

I find life so difficult and confusing. I don't know how to get through it. Sometimes I want to live the best life I can. But what does that mean? It's hard to just live to get by, live to.. live. At least for me. I want to sometimes, but then I think about it.. and I think it's a waste of time, meaningless, the way I live. I want to live better. I want life to matter, have meaning.. but what does that mean? What does that look like?

It's really hard for me. When I think about what life should look like.. I see all the different ways that people might think what our lives should look like. Then I think about what God might want our lives to look like. Then I think about how He knows how flawed we are and that not everyone can live like that. So then I conclude that because of His grace, He understands, and though wants the ideal out of us... He won't hold His breath (so to speak) and will take us as we are. But then "as we are" really sucks. He can't really be okay with that, can He?

Is it just me? I can't help it, but I can't stop my brain, my mind from trying to understand God and trying to make sense of this world, of me, of why He put me here... the meaning of life in God's eyes. I'm a people pleaser, but my mind wants to be a God pleaser even more. Don't get me wrong though, wanting is far from being. I'm pretty sure I'm more of a disappointment to Him the majority of the time.. but He's always on my mind. It's almost annoying. It's not like a safe guard against sinning at all either. I'm my sinful self in front of Him, bare and naked. I talk it out with Him. I love it, but I hate it at the same time. I love that He is on my mind pretty much constantly.. but I hate that I can't be, or don't know how to be, the person He created me to be. I hate that despite knowing all that He reveals to me, teaches me, that I still can't seem to make it real in my life, let it change me and affect me the way that it should. What's wrong with me? Is that how flawed I am?

I see the way, I see the path, it's clear as day, but I can't seem to make my feet take steps in the right direction. What is it? Fear? Lack of motivation? So annoying!!!

My goodness. I don't even know how to clearly express all the thoughts and battles going on in my head. I feel like I have debate teams in my mind constantly. Always trying to see everything from as many angles as I can.

I don't know if I've written this before, but I have more faith, hope and optimism for other people than when it comes to myself. You can do it! .. but I can't. I believe in you! Not so much in myself though. It's sad. When I pray for others.. versus when I pray for myself... I just feel different. I feel like my prayers are more powerful for others than when it comes to myself. I still believe He is listening in either case, and that anything is possible, but I dunno. I just feel different.

Bah.. need to sleep. Hopefully I've gotten enough out of me that my mind isn't keeping me awake and I can fall asleep more easily now.

I should be going to sleep, but I just had a sudden urge to start listening to some old Jewel songs like...

'What's Simple is True' from the album "Spirit" (1998).

I believe God is more gracious and understanding than we think He is about certain things.