Today I got to thinking about things I want to do.. and I realized, yet again, that I'm pretty selfish, or want selfish things. I don't always go through with it because I don't want to be a selfish person, but a part of me is. Sometimes it's not so much the act of being selfish, but the selfish thoughts I have. And selfish not so much in terms of things or materials, but of people and of time. I was going to make a separate comment about jealousy, but I think the fact that I can sometimes feel selfish about people segues perfectly into jealousy. It's why I would feel jealous sometimes. Hmm.. time + people.. I guess it's being jealous of time with people.

Okay, that's my thought of the day. Back to bed/sleep.

By this time next week...

my brother is going to be married, and I'm going to have a sister-in-law!!! Although, technically I guess I already do on paper. lol

And I'm starving. Didn't have dinner, but I'm just going to go to bed at this point. Good night!

Long term goals. For whenever they happen, but one day.

Get a job in Queens, or somewhere in NYC.

Live in Queens ... until I have kids.

Lose weight. One day I will see my abs. LOL...
I'm not on any strenuous diet or exercise. Just trying to control portions and not eat so unhealthy all the time. Once in a while, maybe. haha.. And I keep meaning to start running again, but every time I want to, something comes up. Today for example: rain, rain, rain. Just by trying to control portions, not stuffing my face completely and not eating too late though.. I have lost at least 5 pounds that I've kept off so far. It's not much and it's slow progress, but I'm happy enough that I managed to keep it off. That's probably what I'm more concerned with.

Fulfill some of my dreams.

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Felix is getting married in a little over a week. What the. Where did the time go? When did we grow up? Is this how life is going to be from now on? This year has been CRAZY and so incredibly busy. I'm really hoping it's just this year and not an indefinite change. It's kind of nice to grow up, but at the same time kind of sad.

I selfishly can't wait for the world to end or for me to die. Whichever comes first. lol

Wow, I haven't written anything real since August. That's a long time. Haven't really felt like writing much. Stuff going on in my head. I haven't even gone on facebook as much as I used to. I still go on once in a while, comment here and there, take a peek here and there, but I'm not as thorough with my stalking of whoever pops up on my feed. lol

Felt like writing now because I had a sudden influx of emotions with nowhere to direct them to. Maybe it's just that time again where I feel alone. It worse because at least when you have somewhere or something or someone to direct them to, there's a release and relief of emotions, but I really don't. It's like I have all these feelings but really no one to direct them at. It's actually almost even more sad. I wish I had someone on my mind, but it's just empty. All these thoughts and emotions.. building up.. and no outlet or even subject for the emotions. Must be just hormones then cause that doesn't make sense right? lol

Christian-y answer is to direct them at God, but it wouldn't be real. It is what it is. No camouflaging it or disguising it as something else. It's human. It's raw. It's real. He knows better anyway and I'm sure He understands.

I stopped praying about my future husband for a long time now. It really hasn't been on my mind. I only think about it when I want to do something and it's more "normal" to do with a sigoth, but that's really the only reason. Or temporarily when I see all the people around me paired up or something, but take that away and I can care less. I'm so content being single and having fun, and doing whatever I want and not having to worry about someone else constantly.

That said, maybe I should start praying about it again. lol.. I really don't feel like it, but part of me feels like.. if I don't, then the day I'm ready.. it'll be "too late" and take longer when I really want it and think I'm ready. haha.. 

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I don't know if it's work, if it's my brother getting married soon, or if it's even just church.. but I feel so out of it in terms of Nicaragua. Feel like the college kids, especially, are more pumped and excited than I am. Feels more like just work and another responsibility/task I just need to make sure I get done right. I'm sure I'll feel different as it gets closer and when we're actually there, but right now... I feel off.

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Back to the emotions thing. It's still there. Lingering. So annoying. Don't know what it is or what it means to me, but it's frustrating to feel, but not understand. It does make me want to drown it out in emotional "porn" though via TV shows and movies. Easier to understand other characters feelings. Much more simple and much easier to grasp.

something.

OMG..... I haven't been this tired since... I dunno.

It was so bad. I almost fell asleep at the wheel coming home. That's never happened to me before midnight unless I was breaking night or something, and I haven't done that in years. I actually even had to take a nap in the driveway, in my car, when I got home before I could or had enough energy to unload my car. Oh myy....

If I'm this tired... I can't imagine how tired Caroline must be. My goodness.

God's grace indeed. Even for something as "small" as just getting to church somewhat on time and not falling asleep during the message. Thank God. I dunno how I made it through.

I really cannot believe Caroline and Jonas are getting married in less than a week now. I'm in.. I dunno. Surreal. I almost feel like I need to take the week off to mentally prepare.. in addition to just catching up on sleep and physically recovering. I think I might have strained my voice. Plus, I wish I could somehow take some of the stress off of Caroline.

I really can't wait till she's officially part of the family. It's about time!

Today and just this whole weekend made me realize how.. I dunno. Relationships. Seriously, as nice of an idea it is to have someone as your "other half" it almost doesn't seem worth my trouble. lol.. totally not ready to give myself to that. It's just all too much. haha... I wouldn't want a guy to waste his time with me if I'm not ready or even willing to "waste" time on him.

Anyway, so much going through my head right now. 

Can't wait till C & J are married. Can't wait till Felix and Christine are married. Actually getting more excited about it after we all had dinner together. Can't wait to go to Seattle in November with Connie. And by then YiTing and Dave should also be married. AH! The craziness! Life is zooming by way too fast. Before we know it, Jesus will be back. For realzz... 

Okay, too tired to write more or elaborate on anything. Good night.

I need to start saving for a laptop. Well, I want a laptop, but I need to start saving if I want one. I feel like a horrible person for saying that. I feel like I waste money. And I don't know why, but I feel like the only way I can be productive and move forward sometimes is with... stuff. It's really backwards. I am more spoiled than I realize sometimes.

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I am far from the person I want to be.

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I'm feeling very unmotivated today.. it's almost depressing. Actually, no. It IS depressing. -_-

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Wow, who woulda thunk it. The day my xanga went pink. I just needed something lighter, brighter, to look at.
The green was a little dark and making me feel more depressed.

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I miss my family. I know they're here, but I miss having everyone together. It's like a high. I'm in withdrawal. I can't wait till Thanksgiving and Christmas, although it's going to be different this year, I imagine, with everyone being married and having kids. Not sure Jimmy and Soo will still be around, but maybe they will. Only God knows. Jonas and Caroline will be away for Christmas though I believe. My brother and his soon to be wife.. I don't know what they'll do. 

Sigh... I'm the only one left who is still unattached. Depressing thinking about it. Well, technically I'm not the only one anymore now that Michelle and Mark's family has moved here, but I still feel like I'm the only one left... alone. I'm actually perfectly fine with being alone and am enjoying myself, but when I think about it relative to everyone else, the other cousins... yeah...

Bleh...

It's crazy thinking about it all. Jon getting married puts everything in a new perspective. It has begun. Everyone's really growing up now. I think Jon and Rebekah's wedding was the first time I really, really teared and got emotional. I've teared at other weddings out of happiness and the "aww" feeling, but this time I felt like I was also saying good-bye to an era, to a period of my life that I used to feel so attached to. It was something that was within my grasp and not too long ago, but seeing him getting married made me feel like all those memories were a lifetime ago.

Sad because everyone seems to have a life that they're moving towards and I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand struggling to get out. Everyone moving on, and though I might be moving, I don't know if I'm actually going or getting anywhere.

Time to grab my guitar and write another song. lol

[ a couple hours later ]

So I'm feeling a little bit better, even though it's the end of the day. Playing guitar and trying to create something made me feel better. Surprisingly, playing a couple of the songs I've written makes me feel better too. I say surprisingly because I don't think they're that good, but when I play and sing them.. I enjoy it and like it enough.

My brother just came home with a proposal for me to move into his fiancee's place once she moves into their new place for a month while they find someone more permanent to rent the place to. I'm not sure I could afford more than a month there, but... I guess it might force me to be more smart with how I spend money, and I've always wanted to try living by myself.. though the cost of rent has always been what holds me back. I mean the truth is I could afford it if I wanted to... but it kinda feels like a waste of money as well since I could be living rent free at home with my parents. lol.. That and it's a condo/apartment. It's connected to other people's homes. I don't like that. I like having my own house, not attached to anyone else so I don't feel like I'm bothering them, and they don't bother me. Yes, I'm spoiled. It's one of the reasons I'm not sure I could live in Queens too.

We shall see what happens. I'll also feel bad for my parents though, leaving the two of them alone in this house. And I don't know what'd happen with Nacho. Yeah... we shall see...

I be just a wee bit jealous right now...

Thinking about it is actually killing me a little.. lol

In a weird way I feel kind of productive today, but in a... really non productive way. LOL

Aside from cleaning my car.. I didn't do too much today. Just kind of got sucked into the world of forums and social media. lol.. and the next thing I know it's dark out and almost time to sleep. It's sick! I did take some time out to chill with Nacho, take pictures of him because he's so frickin' cute even though he's "old" now. He's still like a baby to me. I also watched The Hangover for the first time. Eh.. Don't know what to say about it. Also saw the the last third of 50 First Dates. That movie always makes me cry!

Anyway, I consider it "productive" though because I was able to assist others, answer questions, make new connections and learn things.. however trivial they might be (like about my camera or random things about people). The coolest part being that some of my concert photos are going to be "published"! Some of the photos I took at the Brandi Carlile concerts I've gone to in the last year are going to be used with other photos from other fans in a tour memorabilia book type thing. There are going to be pictures from every stop on their 2009/2010 album tour, it's gonna be signed by Brandi and the band, and then raffled off at a benefit event coming up in September that I'm so sad I will not be able to attend as much as I would love to. Credit will be given using my username on BC's fan forum.

Oh, another productive, but not really productive, thing I did today was buy tickets to a BC Symphony concert in November, the week before Thanksgiving. It's in Seattle though.. which is why I can't also go to the benefit event which is also in Seattle. I would go broke. So... I need to start planning for a trip to Seattle in November. lol... and I need to find someone to go with me. I want to go and really check out Seattle though, not just for the concert. But oh my gosh. To hear Brandi and band being backed by a symphony orchestra. I can't imagine how spectacular it is going to sound! Going back to Seattle though, I just really want to sight see and be a tourist in Seattle. It seems like such a nice place to visit. And I want to try a maple bar! Or a maple bacon bar! :9 .. haha

If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.
- Elbert Hubbard