Song count. Right now I've got 14 mostly complete songs. Some I haven't played for a long time and I just felt like going through them to see if they were catchy enough for me to remember the tunes... and I did! For the most part at least. I guess that's a good sign. Or maybe it just means... it came from me, so how could I forget it? And it has nothing to do with how catchy the songs might be. haha

Oyy.. so I'm working on it slowly. It's a slow progress, but it's coming along. I'm determined to move forward and "go for it" even if it's at a slow pace. I'm hoping once I feel like I'm happy and comfortable enough with playing these songs.. maybe I can go to some open mic thing or something. Definitely for fun type thing. I don't know how serious any of this will really get, but I'm really having fun writing, or attempting to write, and just making music. It makes my life feel and seem a little more bright and full. It's something for me to look forward to, to feel productive about, like I'm not actually wasting my life away. I have a goal, a dream, something I've set my eyes on.. I feel like it gives me more purpose. Plus, it's exciting to think about the possibilities, no matter how far fetched they might be.

I was watching/listening to the opener for Mat Kearney this past Sunday night and I thought to myself, "how cool would it be if I could be her, standing where she is right now?" Well, it'd be unbelievably nerve wrecking, for sure, but still.. just one opportunity to do something like that would be incredible. She had a nice voice, but I just couldn't get into her music. I still see my songs as pretty juvenile and have no delusions of how they might compare to music out in the world already, but I'd like to think my songs are more catchy. Simple, but catchier at the very least. My lyrics are most definitely juvenile though. I don't know about them.. but together with the music I think it kinda works and is okay. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being really good), I think my songs are at least a 3 and possibly a 4, but with a band backing me up or something it could be like a 6, maybe even a 7. Who knows? That or complete garbage, but I know I'll never know if I don't put it out there. So one day... that is my goal. To put it out there.. into the world and see what other people think of it. One day...

I got a total of 8 or 9 hours of sleep this weekend... but at least it was very eventful.

I hope I can wake up for work in the morning.... -_-

And my throat is going... ><

I really want/need to de-fat myself. I feel like everyone around me is losing weight and I can't. Well, I have no self-control. That's the first thing. I'm also not very disciplined so that definitely doesn't help the situation as it is. And then to top it all off.. I'm totally a foodie. I love food! Blah.. HELP! lol

Whoa.. xanga just got funky. I'm finding it a little hard getting used to navigating.

I had two very unpleasant dreams in a row. What's going on?? And then somebody else had a terrible dream about me!

Last night's was the worst. I was surprised when I woke up and didn't feel tense or sore, BUT it was so bad that I woke up at like 5 in the morning. I had a dream that 2 other people and I had a dream that someone was trying to kill me.. on my wedding day! But then it ended up not even having nothing to do with a wedding except in those people's dreams. I don't even know if I was even engaged or anything. BUT yeah... I was like literally scared for my life. There were a bunch of people staying at a mansion sized house, and I didn't know who I could trust. I had like a security detail and someone somehow slipped through the cracks and made the first attempt to kill me. After that I was even more terrified because it had to be an inside job. At that point we weren't sure if there was going to be another attempt or if it was just the one guy who wanted to kill me for reasons unknown.

It turned out there was another guy, and one of the guys protecting me took a bullet for me, and then another guy got the shooter. It was crazy. Then like in a movie there was a replay, but from the attempted killer's point of view of all the things that happened that led him to want to kill me. I forgot exactly what it was, but I think I remember him of someone, and then I unintentionally offended him and he got mad. He was a bit crazy in the head. I don't know about the first guy who tried to kill me though.

Oyy.. what a dream. I woke up and was still afraid for my life. I was all bundled up in my blanket even though I was sweating and it was so hot. I had trouble going back to sleep cause I was all paranoid. I eventually did, but I'm really tired and sleepy not. So much so that I actually made a cup of coffee this morning. And that is RARE.

Just wrote another song. Can't speak for it's quality, but it took me 1-2 hours to write. And it's kinda country. lol.. 

I can't tell if it's truly an original though. I feel like there are so many songs and stuff in my head, in my brain, stored.. that I sometimes feel like I'm unknowingly plagiarizing someone else's melodies and tunes, even though.. as hard as I try.. I can't figure out what it sounds like. I guess the only way to find out is to put it out there and see if anyone notices for me. haha.. Blah. -_-

On the way to work I realized something. It's not profound or anything like that, but I think it means something in the right context. I guess I didn't JUST realize this because I always knew it was how I drive, but I was never able to put it into words or explain it as accurately and concisely as this:

I don't pass cars so I can speed.
I speed so I can pass cars.

OR a slightly longer version, but I think adding "(don't) want" gives it another dimension. haha

I don't want to pass cars so I can speed.
I want to speed so I can pass cars.

There is a difference. I'm not a speed demon on the road, but I will for a moment just to pass some cars.

I dunno, I think it's kinda cool and almost poetic. Kinda beautiful. Sounds deep, but it's really not. lol

Unmet expectations eat away at me. Especially ones I think are a sure thing. The disappointment leads to frustration and annoyance. Borderline anger. Fail, one after the other, today. Stupid things, but added on top of each other is just... really annoying. Wish at least one thing could've gone right today.

My mom found a book I wrote/made when I was about 9 years old. It was about my life. Looking at the pictures, reading what I wrote... brings back so many memories and reminded me of things I totally forgot.

The pictures of me as a baby make me want to have my own baby... I was so cute! I wish I could hold and play with my baby self.. lol

Love. Love for a long lost friend. Wow. I had no idea how much I cared. So much that it brings tears of bittersweetness to my eyes. Joy knowing she'll be closer, but sad knowing it'll never be what I wished it could be. I had no idea this person made such an impact on me. I'm.. surprised.