I feel very satisfied and almost energized from having a productive retreat meeting. I'm so excited for it! One thing at a time though.. Nicaragua first.

I'm kind of excited. I was doing a lot of talking to God today, randomly throughout the day, and in my head. He helped me realize a lot of things about myself and I earnestly asked Him to help me break out of it. Another *ding ding*, light bulb going off moment where I'm like, "Okay, I just really need to surrender it to You. I know this. Help me. I really want this."

I'm excited because I think God is slowly working in me, challenging me, making me step up and making me really, actually want to step up. I'm trying to give in. Trying, trying trying.I keep a list of quotes that I love and that encourage me in my walk on my Facebook page in the quotations section (of course). I haven't read it in a long time, but after I got home from PM and the retreat meeting I just felt like revisiting it.

Here's the quote that really encouraged me and is really what I needed after God's revelation to me about my current sin or shortcomings as a follower of Christ: 

We do not segment our lives, giving some time to God, some to our business or schooling, while keeping parts to ourselves. The idea is to live all of our lives in the presence of God, under the authority of God, and for the honor and glory of God. That is what the Christian life is all about.
—R.C. Sproul

I love it. Now I want to live it.

Let's see how well that goes! lol...

AND.. 

I'm also excited because... I feel God calling me... to something... but I'm not sure what yet...

ALSO..

I think I'm starting to really, really understand and realize... as much as I love worship and singing, a life of worship is far more important than being part of the worship team. I think I always felt like since worship is my passion, the worship team would be my place. I mean I still think it is or can be, but I'm realizing it doesn't have to be. I'm happy just singing, worshiping with everyone else and I've always been happy just worshiping. It brings me true joy, no matter where I stand. If God stripped me of my vocal chords... I would be fine. I would still serve and worship. Just differently.

Happy. Thank You for hearing me and answering me. You are my Joy. Let me never forget that.

After all the sad feelings, I wasted some time away on the computer and finally started to try and figure out how to get to downtown Seattle for my first concert of the weekend, Brandi Carlile with the Seattle Symphony. I called the front desk to find out what the best way was to get down there. She told me it was rush hour and that though the city was only about 15-20 minutes away, it would take at least 40 minutes at this time of day. I asked what the best way downtown would be. I asked about a taxi and she suggested I take a flat rate $40 town car instead since there is traffic and since it's flat rate, distance and time don't matter. So I trusted her and did that.

Got to the venue fine. The driver was okay. Nice enough. Basically waited around for about an hour waiting to meet 2 people I had sold tickets to. Everyone seemed to be running a little late. Got to my box seat. They were really, really nice seats with a great view. Benaroya Hall is such a nice venue in general and the sound was amazing. I already though Brandi and band were awesome live and the best live band I've ever heard, but oh my goodness... they sound different, but absolutely AMAZING with the Seattle Symphony backing them up. AMAZING. I have no words.

So after the show I stuck around, took some pictures of the hall. I had met the band's tour manager at a NJ show earlier this year and told him I was going to be at the Seattle shows and back then he was so nice and told me "See you there!" and it seemed very genuine so I thought I'd stick around and try to say hi to him after the show. Most of the crowd had left and by the time I walked into the stage the employees were all cleaning up, the crew was packing up the stage and I was practically the only non personnel still left in the hall. I walked up to the front were someone was kind of guarding the stage. She politely asked if there was something I needed and that I would have to clear out. I saw one of the roadies that I had also previously met as I was walking down to the stage so I just told her I had a question for Jon. And she was like, oh you know him? And I was like, yeah kinda. I don't know if he would remember me, but I just had a question to ask him. Then she was like, oh okay, but I can't let you back stage. And I was like, yeah of course, I understand. I just want to ask him something. And then she was all cool and gave me space, left my side and let me just linger. I didn't see Jon again because the tour manager, Brendan, ended up coming out first. I called out to him and he looked over. It took a second, but then he quickly lit up with recognition and was like "Hey! You made it!" I was like, "Do you remember me?" And he was like "Oh course! How was your trip over?" Yada yada. It was really cool. We hugged it out. I gave him an orikane shirt and tie that I promised I would get to him eventually and told him I had stuff for the band as well. He said that he had over 50 people back stage of family and friends of the band and that it was a bit crazy so it would be difficult. I told him I understood as it was their first show back in their home city in a while. Then unexpectedly he asked if I was going to the secret show the following night and I told him I was. Now here was the part that made my face light up till I got back to the hotel and then some. After I told him I'd be there he said "You know? Just come look for me and I'll hook you up, love." He's from New Zealand and has referred to me as "love" since the first time I met him. Don't worry. Nothing kinky going on. He's a lot older, totally looks like a motorcycle dude wearing black t-shirts and tattooed everywhere. But right after he said that I tried to keep my cool and was just like "Oh okay. Cool. I'll see you tomorrow then!" We said our goodbye's and I walked out of the hall with the biggest smile on my face. I had totally forgotten about the lonely hotel room. All I could think about was going to the secret show the next night.

That's not all.

I walked around trying to find a vacant taxi to get back to the hotel. It actually took me a long time because I don't really know hot to hail down a taxi. Thankfully I found one though. I was walking up and down the blocks until one taxi guy came out of an alley and I was about to walk into him cause I didn't even see him. I ended up asking him if he was working and he said he was so I got in. His name was Singh. A very pleasant Indian driver. We talked a lot and I told him about my ride in the town car into the city and he said I got ripped off because the hotel gets a cut and that even in a taxi during rush hour, it would've been cheaper to just take a taxi. He told me about his trip to NJ when he got ripped off as well. The hotel called him a town car for a flat rate of like $60 to the airport. He took it trusting the hotel people. Little did he know the airport was only 5 minutes away. So Singh was really cool, we talked and he gave me tips about Seattle and stuff like that. After he got me to my hotel was when I asked him for his name because it really was a pleasure riding with him (and it really was cheaper than the town car). He ended up giving me his number in case I had any questions about Seattle or needed a ride. I never used it, but I won't forget how nice he was.

Thus ended my first day in Seattle. It definitely ended on a great note.

After 2-3 hours of sleep, I woke up around  5:15am. Was supposed to leave for LaGuardia at 5:45, but ended up leaving at 6am. Got to the airport, got my boarding passes, got through security rather swiftly and waited at the gate. Flight to Denver on time. I was very impressed by a flight attendant to really handled a rude passenger extremely well. She was doing her best to help people find space to stow away their stuff. There was one bin that had 2 jackets. She asked whose they were. Man claimed them. She ask, "would you mind just holding on to them for a second?" His response? A very rude sounding "NO!". I think everyone was shocked to hear that. She asked why and he went on to explain in a very annoyed tone how he and his wife only had 2 jackets as carryons and that there was no way he was going to hold his jacket on his lap. I was waiting for the flight attendant to speak her mind and go off on him, but instead of doing that she calmly explained she only asked him to hold on to it so she could put someone's purse in there. Once she put away the purse, she would put the jackets back on top. Throughout the flight, even though I was sleeping for most of it, I noticed she was a very caring, patient, motherly attendant. I was very, very impressed. I felt like she should win some award for the year or something.

Got to Denver. Was supposed to go to gate A26, but on my way there I saw that gate A42 said "SEATTLE" and out of curiosity I went to look at it. Turns out my flight number was there too. I went to ask the lady at the gate desk what was going on because I was confused. She treated me like a child and even sarcastically showed me the sign and read slowly "SEE-AT-TLE.." I thought that was so rude. I just wanted to make sure so I didn't walk all the way across the terminal just to be sent back. Anyway, that moment was redeemed by the fact that the flight attendants were okay, but nice. They even baked (or warmed up really well) cookies for everyone. It was sooooo good. I was tempted  to ask them where they got it from. I've never been served chocolate chip cookies on a plane before, especially ones where the chocolate was melting. I actually thought I burned my tongue on my first bite. haha

Got to Seattle. Got my suitcase at baggage claim where a young father found me and asked me if I lost a ring. He said his daughter (who must've only been 5-7 years old) noticed me playing with it earlier. I was surprised she noticed. Then I looked down and realized.. "hey! where's my ring??" I really had no clue it was gone. He said they were gonna try to look for me, but then thought it might be better to leave it with the flight attendant in case they couldn't find me at baggage claim. So I went to the airline counter and asked the guy about it. He called up to the gate and sure enough it was there, BUT if I wanted to go get it, I'd have to wait on line and go through security. He said another option was to wait until the next flight left and then the person would bring it to the ticket counter. So I ended up doing that. He was so nice and was going to walk me up there after he was done with hhis baggage claim duties, but then a co-worker came by and he asked if she could bring me up instead. I waited for a good while actually, but eventually they got my ring back to me. Thank you Frontier!

The flights really didn't make me feel physically well though. It was terrible. haha...I don't know how business people travel so much. Maybe cause they were small planes or I just didn't get enough sleep the night before. Anyway, since Connie isn't going to be here till Saturday night and she's the one renting the car I was without a ride to the hotel. I took a taxi. Cost me almost $50. That wasn't cool. Then I got to the hotel. It's not really nice, but it's not crappy either. Just normal and clean. As I was trying to settle in, I was overcome with how lonely it was. I've never been in a hotel room alone before. Alone as in knowing no one else was going to be sleeping there for the night. It was such a sad feeling.

The general feeling I had, despite all the good I experienced,was that the first half of my day was the bad part. Everything gets much better after though.

To be continued...

I just watched some videos from hoedown practice. I really need to lose weight. lol

Life. So many possibilities..

Le sigh..

I just found out my twin from high school now has a child who will be 1 years old in a couple months...

So weird. So very weird. Although I'm sure she's a great mom, I can't believe it. I can't picture it. We're exactly the same age to the day and I can't imagine myself as a mother right now.

Feeling behind on life. :T

To quote what a friend recently messaged me... "strange how things turn out sometimes..."

I wonder what will be 10 years from now.. or even 5. Anything's possible. What is now could totally be flipped upside down a few years later. Kinda exciting, kinda scary.

-

A part of me wants to move somewhere where internet and computers and all this electronic stuff isn't normal. I don't know what I'd do without Google, but I'm sure I'd get used to it eventually.

Another part of me still wants to just leave everything behind. Start completely new. Reinvent myself. Find another version of myself or find out if another version of myself does exist outside of this bubble I am in here. By bubble I mean friends, family, acquaintances and just those I am surrounded by all the time, week after week. I'm not tired of them or anything like that, but I guess I feel like I'm getting tired of who I am around them. I guess I want to reset what has become my default self.

-

Yi-Ting and Dave are now husband and wife. SOOOO happy for them. I didn't really cry or tear much because I think I was just plain happy for them. In fact my cheeks hurt for a good while from just smiling so much. In the case of my brother and Jonas, I did feel like I was losing something in a way so I did cry and have tears of happiness as well, but since I'm not connected to YT or D in the same personal way I was able to just be plainly happy for them. Nothing really changes relationally between us. Their story is really beautiful. Bumps and bruises along the way, but the way they came back together.. it's really amazing. Almost like a fairytale as Lester kept saying. Those two... gosh, so happy for them and that they found their way back to each other. I really love the fact that they weren't really dating again and that Dave just skipped that part because he was so sure... and just proposed! That's so cool and amazing and awesome!

Part of me wants that to happen, but only if it's the right person... so then the other part of me is also terrified that if it does happen, I might not want to say "yes". lol... that's really a lot of pressure for the guy, huh? It could really turn out bad for him. haha.. 

Ahh, okay. It's one of those times again. I'm happily single, but I wouldn't mind getting married soon. A lot of people have been asking me when I'm getting married recently. I think cause I'm next in line in my family here. It's crazy. I don't know if people are asking because of that or just curious why I'm not dating anyone. People keep asking if I'm dating or if I'm seeing anyone. My mom keeps thinking I'm secretly dating someone and just not telling her. Sometimes I wish I had that secret to keep, but I really don't. lol..

Good news about that: people actually thinking it's possible I could be dating. I think that's a compliment cause then it means they don't think it's an impossible thing. lol.. Bad news: Part of the reason I'm not dating is plainly because there doesn't seem to be any interest and without that initial interest you can't really do anything else. lol.. So that part stinks, but part of it is like "whew" for me. I still don't want to deal with that drama as much as I might feel bored once in a while and miss it.

Maybe I should just marry a stranger. Or maybe I should just start putting it out there and telling people I'm looking and asking if anyone has someone in mind for me. lol.. Once in a while I will ask God to prepare a guy for me. It's still not a priority for me, but I feel like I'm getting old and I should just start prepping. I think I've been forgetting to ask God to start preparing me too though. I just realized that's just as important and I've been leaving that prayer out. haha..

One of the excuses I use when I tell people I probably won't get married for a loooooooong time is because I think it takes me a long time to get to know someone well enough.. to be interested enough.. to imagine being married to them.. and then want to start a courtship or whatever you want to call it. I have told myself and others it might take me 4 years for that to just start to happen, but I have a very bad grasp on time so I could be totally off. If I went by my timing though.. there's the time between now and when I meet that guy... then another 4 years after meeting him to actually be like "hmm.. I could see myself marrying this guy".. and who knows how long it'll take from that to find out if it's mutual and how long it'll take for him to take initiative and do something about it. THEN... there's how long we'll "hang out" for until he's ready to propose. I mean.. that could take forever.

Oyy.. weddings. I know I'm still relatively young, but still.. I can't tell if it's just me or God is just watching out for me because He knows I'm fragile. I tend to make myself believe the latter if I can. I think I'm too prideful to try and dress up for a guy or change myself for a guy. I mean there's always some level of doing something to impress someone, but I draw the line very quick. Maybe I'm just lazy though and I just don't want to try and change myself for someone else if that's the only motivation behind it. I think once you're married and comfortable with that person after all your alterations to impress that person... your old self will eventually come back and then your husband's gonna be like.. what's wrong with you? What happened? You're so different now. You're not the same person I married. It's just trouble for the future. What you see is what you get with me, I think. Hopefully not too many surprises after marriage. Gotta keep the bar low so you can only go higher after you get married. lol

Alright. I shall conclude my relationship/marriage rant.

-

Absolutely in love with Jojo. She really remembers me now, calls out for me saying "ah-yi", runs to me, wants to give me hugs, pick her up and comes to find me to walk her or dance with her. Best feeling in the world. Is it bad that I love her even more now BECAUSE I know she likes me and knows who I am? Like the fact that it feels mutual now is a big reason why my love has increased for her? That's normal though right? Human conditional love right there. haha.. I mean I always loved her, but it's deeper now.

-

I really can't stand how I think anything is possible. I have doubts about things and try to be realistic about things, but at the end of the day... I really, deep down, believe ANYTHING is possible. And so.. I have so many dreams I think are possible and actually think they can happen. I'm the most idealistic person I know. I may not always show it, but deep down it's really there. haha.. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! I can't stand it because when it doesn't I feel a big letdown.. but then I can convince myself anything is still possible again. haha.. so annoying.

Okay, my toes are freezing and I'm so tired. I will stop here. Good night. I can't wait to sleep!

This is going to sound weird, but at this very moment..

.. I want to metaphorically throw up so that I can feel better, feel relief.

Okay, that's it.

Feeling overwhelmed and that's not good because I deal with it by.. not.. and until I really have to. Need to make a new list and prioritize.

So much to do, I can't keep it straight and keep track. I know I'm going to forget something. I just know it. Today was my one "free" day to do more work and catch up on stuff. One day at a time, then one week at a time. The mental clock in my head starts ticking again on Monday. Doesn't mean it ever stops though.

None of the calendars and task lists I'm keeping are actually helping me keep track of stuff. I don't know what else to use to help me through this crazy time and keep organized.