Monday, 09 November 2009

  • So, I've finally somewhat officially left AWANA... indefinitely. I think it was the right decision for the time being. My heart's still there though. I hope I can help out whenever I can, but I definitely don't think I should have kids for handbook time, although I wouldn't mind if I were free and a sub was needed. Since I'm not able to be consistent, it wouldn't be fair to my girls. They're better off having a more consistent leader.

    I'll leave it at that for now. May or may not elaborate later. Had a possible close call with a tick. May or may not elaborate later too. It's been a long day and a long weekend. Need to get some sleep.

Wednesday, 04 November 2009

Tuesday, 03 November 2009

  • So many people in my heart and on my mind. I don't know how to show them all how much I care for and love them, how much they mean to me. I wish I could be with them all, be a part of all their lives, but I can't. It's funny the people who stand out to me. Some of them I've barely known for more than a couple weeks (if even that) in terms of how many times I've seen them and gotten to spend time with them. It's amazing.

  • I think I really have suppressed dreams that are still surfacing. This is what I wrote on for my latest facebook status: I want to be a nomad, go wherever the road leads me. Take on odd jobs to barely get by. A sense of security is like a suffocating prison. Don't you think that's true? Once you have a sense of security, which I do for the most part, it's hard to leave it. It incarcerates you. You would be a "fool" to leave it behind in search of the unknown, the uncertain.

    I can't seem to let go of this desire to leave, to wander, travel, explore.. escape. It keeps coming back, crawling back into my thoughts, daydreaming about all the things I want to do, wish I could do. I'm not exactly tied down by anything at the moment. No significant other, no major responsibilities. I want to get it out of my system before I allow myself to be bolted down by a sense of security.

    -

    WOOHOO!! Just got an e-mail about BCB touring again next year!! YEehaawww~
    I think I'm going to try to catch the two NJ shows in February. :D
     
  • Jury duty was a very interesting experience. I'm kind of sad I didn't get to sit in on a case. I was chosen for like two seconds, then the defendant's attorney excused me. It was an auto-pedestrian civil case. I probably could've gotten myself on the jury if I didn't speak up about past auto-auto incidents that I was involved in as a passenger though. The case would've taken 2-3 days to try. Poo... well, I'm good for another 3 years. Until then.. I got $5 for doing my civil duty! And that won't come for another 3 weeks or something. lol

    It was slow, but definitely interesting to see first hand since I've never done it before. And definitely nothing like the TV shows, but I guess it was just a county courthouse. The judge was cool though. The only part I hated was waiting in that central jury pool room and not really having anything to do. I tried to sleep, but it was so uncomfortable. I watched a little of whatever TV was on, played sudoku on my phone and.. that's pretty much it. I didn't do any reading like I had planned. I should've known. I did go to White Manna for lunch though. I almost never get to go there cause it's so out of the way. Not as good as I remember it. I should get it without onions next time. Their onions aren't good.

    When I got home sometime between 3:30 and 4 I just passed out till 8 something. So tired and with a cold. Thankfully the sore throat went away though. I feel much better today, but I still feel weak or something. I think I still need more sleep.
     

Sunday, 01 November 2009

  • I feel so bleh. My throat is dying. I feel it moving up to my ears. Every time my throat starts to hurt I always think ear infection. Every time it gets so bad I need to go to the doctor it's either strep or ear infection. Usually the latter. Is it just really cold or am I cold? I just remembered I have jury duty tomorrow morning too. Super bleh. I'm thinking of just boiling some water, having some citrus honey tea, watch a show and fall asleep.

    -_-

    I feel so... no words. I don't know what to do. I'm not physically busy every hour of everyday, except Sundays for now, but generally during the weekdays I have plenty of time to do stuff. My mind, however, is so full of.. stuff. Things I need to do, things I need to prepare, things I will have to do and whatever else. I think I've mentally checked out of AWANA and it's only been three weeks. I feel like a zombie. My mind is barely functioning. My feet were killing me. I think I only sat down for a total of maybe 30 minutes today, if even. The rest of the day I was on my feet.

    Forgive me. I'm in a semi-complaining mood. I just don't know what to do. I'm questioning whether or not I've spread myself too thin already/again. I'm not juggling more than what some other people are juggling, but I don't think it's about comparing. I just don't think I was made to be able to juggle all these things and give each one the best that I can. I don't think I have that gift. Others are better at it than me.

    My dad just brought me water with garlic, salt and vinegar. Yum. I'm half kidding, half serious. It feels good when it hurts. I feel like it's killing the bacteria. Got me my DayQuil. My burning hot tea. Feels like it's burning my throat. Good. Gotta wake up around 7 tomorrow. Earlier than work. -_-.. I don't know what to bring with me tomorrow to kill time. Maybe I'll bring a book and finally get some reading done. Music of course. What else?

    I can't get my thoughts straight. So much running through my head. I find I have little patience with some people. I just don't want to deal with them. I know it's wrong. I should help them, but instead I just.. avoid and let other people deal with them. I feel like I have no position so why deal with it. I know it's the wrong attitude. I feel bad. Guilty even, but it ends there.

    Needing to be at two, actually really 3, places at once today... I felt so bad. I feel like I can't help but let people down. Left and right, I just can't do right by anyone. Not that I'm so important nor am I so needed that people can't do without me, but just because I committed myself to certain things, told people I would do certain things... and I can't be at all places at once. So... I try to juggle as best I can, but I end up giving so little of myself to each. After today and last week, I'm tempted to hand in my two weeks notice for AWANA, but I don't want to do that to the other AWANA leaders, to my kids. I committed. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. Maybe it's just the tiredness and sickness talking. Hopefully after I get back from Nicaragua it will be a lot better. I just feel like more of a burden at AWANA right now, a waste of space and in the way instead of helping out. I have this ability of getting stressed out for other people when I shouldn't really be stressed out myself... and stress just causes me to shut down or slow down. It's so stupid.

    Ahhh... A learning experience? Stick to one.. maybe two ministries. That's it. But that's what I have right now. The trouble is.. I have 3 other temporary things going on: Nicaragua, and 2 things for Grace's wedding. AHHhhhh.. I feel so bad. Totally didn't make it to choir, even after I asked Chris what time it would be and how long, sounding like I was going to go, and I was, but Nica bake sale stuff and the other Grace thing.. so I didn't even show up for a few minutes. AHHHHH.............................

    I'm sorry. Giant FAIL today. Just one more month and 2 out of 3 will be done, then it's just Nicaragua left and then I can focus on AWANA and worship.

    Lord, give me strength, give me wisdom, give me what I need to get through this.

    Maybe in general my life is just really cluttered right now with too many things, including unimportant things. I need to "clean house".

Friday, 30 October 2009

  • Looking into buying a new 16GB iPod Nano. Here's the question: What color should I get?

    iPod nano (black) iPod nano (red) iPod nano (silver) 

    I love shades of black and red. I can't decide. Not in a rush, but my Zen MicroPhoto 8GB...




    .. is starting to get on my nerves. I would keep it if the battery life was as long as it used to be, if it didn't keep on freezing up, if the transfer wasn't so slow and always worked without problems. I'll probably still keep it around though 'cause my Rhapsody subscription music won't work with an iPod, which is a huge con, but I have plenty of albums and music which I already own so I'll be fine.

    Eh.. when I think about it, the choice really just comes down to these two: black or red?

    iPod nano (black) iPod nano (red)

    If the silver wheel wasn't black, I might go for that, but it annoys me to look at. So black or red? Black or red?

    Maybe I'll go with red. Easier to spot, harder to lose? Stands out more... which could be a bad or good thing. Hmm... leaning towards red. Writing it out really helps me decide. lol
     
  • I miss Jenny. I really looked up to her in the short amount of time we had to get to know each other. I want to go meet Josiah. I can't believe he's 9 months old! And apparently he's been sick for a month. Pray he gets better soon. :(

    I feel like going there for a long weekend just to get away and hang out with them. Sounds like a drive I wouldn't mind doing on my own again, like Boston. Probability of it actually happening though? Slim. Sigh... Another wishful thought that will probably remain just that: a thought. However, I actually went through with Boston, so who knows?

azngodluva

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