Today I went to a conference/teaching type event thing at Felix’s church. It was about deliverance from evil spirits, but touched on prophesying, and hearing God. What stuck out to me the most was the end though when Kathryn prayed for me. I needed to be freed from a past sin that was haunting me and manifesting itself over and over again every once in a while. She also gave me a word. She kept praying over my feet. She saw that I’ve been walking a rocky, hurtful path and my feet have been cut, bleeding and worn by this path. She prayed/saw angels coming to pick me up. They bandaged my foot and were instead carrying me. They set my foot up on this white, fluffy garment. They carried me to the right path that was clean and she said my feet were the feet of an evangelist and a missionary. She said God would use me in that way.

I pray for boldness. Still and again. I need to move onto the next step. I’ve been praying about what “full-time ministry” means for me and my life because I feel like that’s what I’m being called to. I just don’t know what that means and what that will look like. Kathryn pointed me to someone though and hopefully I will be able to get in contact with her. She said that it sounded like we would have a lot in common and could possibly partner with one another. She saw that I needed someone to walk with. That I was missing a companion, a partner in ministry who was walking a similar path.

I need to pray.

I need to do some kind of fast.

I can’t wait till I can really let go and let God take over and use me, use my life for more than what I can do with it myself. I desire more than the world can offer. I want to seek out the treasures.

-

I could be wrong, but I think this is going to be my last “normal” year. After this year… it’ll really be time to move on to the next phase of my life.

I don’t know why I feel so alone. It’s this new thing. It’s my pursuit of something new. I feel like I’m headed in a different direction and away from people. It’s hard not having that one person, that one that you are on the same page with, whether it be another sister or a potential spouse. I feel lost and yet.. not. Like I feel like I know where I’m trying to go, but the path there is just so new and different. I don’t know how to word it. I don’t know why such a pursuit isn’t more.. joyful though. I’m excited, but at the same time, why is it so.. sad?

I’ve been so vague about things lately. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I can’t elaborate. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t know how or can’t. I don’t have the words, I don’t know what to say. I don’t think anyone buy God can understand or get what I’m feeling. It’s nothing horrible or awesome, but it’s just a feeling.. it’s a thing… that I don’t know how to share.

I’m in a funk. Nothing dramatic happening, nothing noteworthy and barely blog worthy… but I think I’m in a funk nonetheless. I feel like everyone around me has something big going on in their lives and I’m just… blah. Just there with my blah life. I know I’m blessed. I feel blessed. I’m thankful even, but for whatever reason it makes me feel alone.

This past weekend was refreshing. Going to Don’t Walk By reminded me of my passion for helping people and prepping for Sunday worship and worshipping in song reminded me how much I love being used to worship God in that way. It seriously is all Him. It’s all God. It’s not me, it’s not us. Praise be to HIM.

I think more than being able to meet homeless people and talking to them, Don’t Walk By was a great opportunity to serve and fellowship with brothers and sisters I’ve never met before. It was such a huge blessing. Met so many wonderful people and great examples of how to live out your Christian walk with confidence and boldness and security in God alone.

I don’t know if it’s a weekend spiritual high, if it’s just a temporary thought or if it’s from God, but I really feel like God was telling me to stop looking for jobs and to just keep praying and focus on that. I feel like my next step or place of work will be in ministry somehow. I’m just praying that God will grant me more opportunities to network with brothers and sisters involved in ministries I have a passion for, to serve the community and eventually get plugged into one of them on a more permanent basis and full-time. I think about my life and I want it to be meaningful. I don’t want to be stuck at a job just because I need to pay bills. I don’t want a stable job just so I can feel comfortable and live a comfortable life. I want to live a risky life with worldly uncertainty, but with complete security in God.

I’m finding it hard to let go financially though because I really love my apartment and I feel like if I go into some kind of ministry I won’t be able to afford living here anymore. In my head—even though I know if God gave me this place and wants me to stay here then He will make a way—I still hesitate to fully let go and not worry about it.

Another thing to pray about is just balance between these passions and my role at Newtown. I don’t know if I can really stay involved in both if the opportunity does come along, but I guess no point in worrying about that. God will work it out when the time comes.

I think about life in general and everything really just seems meaningless when it comes down to it. So I feel like the only thing I can do to make it meaningful to myself and really feel like I’m not living a wasted life is to fully devote it to His work. I yearn for that day I can say with confidence, “I am living for Christ’s sake.”

UPDATE: Actually, maybe I should still look for jobs.. just not so hard. Look less for a job that pays and pray more for a place to be used.

Wow. Long time, xanga. Just felt the need to write some things down so I can sort through my thoughts.

Life’s been crazy. In comparison to other people’s lives, I can’t complain, but for some reason it’s been difficult for me. I just think it’s this huge elephant not just in the room, but it’s hanging over my head and I’m just waiting for it to drop. I’m so consumed by what’s going to happen to me in terms of work. I’m consumed by things, stuff, bills, and I’m not dealing with it in the best way. I’m just avoiding and ignoring. I’m in denial.

WORK—

I’m so blessed to have such understanding bosses and to be working somewhere where I know I’m valued. I’ve been working from home once a week, but my superiors said they would be okay with me working from home the majority of the time and only go into the office if I have to. The thing is, I don’t really like working from home. I guess we’ll see though. I’ve only done it a couple times. Not much to go off of. I think it also had to do with the work I was doing though so it may be different tomorrow when I work from home again.

Been looking for jobs whenever I have down time. Applied to a good handful. SOme interesting, some I applied just to apply. Most are reaches. Nothing I really ached for though. Some just had cool perks.

Also been freelancing. Haven’t been able to spend too much time on it yet, but I hope I can satisfy the client. I really want to do a good job.

LIFE—

I really love my apartment and I love living here (with a couple exceptions). I can’t imagine moving back into my parents’ place, but I do miss them. Got to have dinner with them tonight and even though it was short, I really cherished it. I was really tired though, so I’m not sure that they could tell. [I just texted my mom and told her that I love her and my dad. ]

SPIRITUAL—

I feel like a mess. A put together mess. I still love God, but I feel like I’ve kept Him at a distance for some reason. I haven’t been able to let go of my own life. I know all the right answers, but I just know I’m doing something wrong, whether I know it or not. I just wish I could go back to October when I felt so alive in Christ, and so sure of His working in my life, through it and that He was going to use me. Now those things just feel like a fading shadow, the paths of which I’m trying to still follow, no matter how worn they are. I’m following the path I should’ve lead while I was alive and now I feel like a dead person still trying to live that same life… but it doesn’t feel like living if I’m not really living.

I really want to spend more time with God again. I need to get intimate with Him again. I feel like a Martha. I’m not being a Mary. Doing all the right things, but not spending time with Him, being loved by Him and loving Him in return. I REALLY, REALLY want to go back to IHOP. Hopefully for the Passion for Jesus Conference. That would be ideal, but if not.. I’ll need to figure out another time.

MINISTRY—

I’m really not doing much. I just have Worship Team and this Nursing Home thing that I really need to get started. I just need to make the call. It’s been so delayed now. I hope they will still be receptive.

I’m not doing much, but I don’t know why I feel so overwhelmed. Maybe it’s just more than I usually do. I feel like such a complainer. I don’t know how to deal.

God, I need help. I need You.

I don’t know if it’s just the hormones. I don’t think it is. It’s also just stuff, people. I’m feeling extra alone, secluded. I feel so distant, so far away.

I think about where I’m at.. and where I want to be and feel like I should be.. and… I feel like I’m in the wrong place again. I know it’s me. I know there’s a lot more I can do about it. However, I also feel like it’s my surroundings. I feel like it’s not healthy. I don’t know how to break out of my comfort if I’m constantly surrounded by it.

What do I do? What do You want me to do? God, show me the way. I’m so lost. I need help getting out of this rut. I need something drastic, something radical, otherwise I’ll never change. I know You have your timing, but it just feels so slow and like I’m wasting time. I don’t know how to be productively patient.

I think one of my biggest downfalls is that I care so much what people think. People affect me more than I wish they did. I wish I only cared about what God thinks. That’s how it should be. That would be easier. I wish I could be like Lucia the Wemmick in Max Lucado’s book, “You Are Special”. I wish all the dots and stars that people throw on me, or that I put on myself… I wish I didn’t allow them to stick to me. I wish they would just slip and glide right off me. I wish they wouldn’t have any power or hold over me.

Eli, take them away.

-

Punchinello slowly turned around and looked at the large bearded craftsman and said, “Sir, you know my name?” “Of course I do. I made you,” Eli said. All of a sudden, Eli stooped down and picked little Punchinello up and set him on the workbench. “Hmmmmm,” the Maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles all over him, “Looks like you’ve been given some bad marks.” Punchinello explained,”Oh, Eli, I didn’t mean to; really I didn’t!!! I really tried hard not to.” The Maker said, “Oh, you don’t have to defend yourself to me, my child. I don’t care what the other Wemmicks think.” Punchinello asked, “Really? You don’t?” Then Eli said, “No and you shouldn’t either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They are Wemmicks just like you. What they think really doesn’t matter at all, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special.” Punchinello laughed, “Oh, me special? How can I be special? I can’t walk fast. I can’t jump. My paint is peeling. I make silly mistakes all the time and I am not a beautiful Wemmick like some of the others. How could I matter to you?” Eli looked at Punchinello and put his hands on those little wooden shoulders of his and spoke very slowly, “Because Punchinello… you are mine. That’s why you matter to me.” Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this before or say anything so nice, much less his Maker! He didn’t know what to say!

“Punchinello, every day I’ve been waiting and hoping you would come to see me,” Eli explained. Punchinello looked up at him and said, “I came because I met a sweet Wemmick girl who had no marks.” Eli said, “I know. Lucia told me about you.” So Punchinello asked, “Why don’t the stickers stay on Lucia?” Eli said, “Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what anyone else thinks. The stickers only stick if you let them.” Punchinello looked puzzled and said, “What?” Eli said, “Yes, the stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust My love, the less you will care about those stickers.” But Punchinello said, “I’m not sure I really understand. What you are saying?” The maker said, “You will, but it will take some time. You’ve got a lot of marks. So for now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care about you.” Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the floor. “Now remember,” Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. “You ARE special because I made you, and I don’t make mistakes.”

Punchinello didn’t stop, but in his heart he thought, “I think He really means it.” And each time he remembered what Eli told him and each time he went to visit and talk with Eli, one of Punchinello’s dots would fall off. They kept falling off and soon they were all gone!!!

So like Punchinello, we must remember one thing: “Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

-

God, Father, I need help navigating through this life. I know You left your Helper here with me… but I feel like I need another helper to help remind me and keep me accountable. You know my heart, You know my prayer. You know what I’m asking for. I need Your help.

I pray for more opportunities to serve, to minister. I pray for more opportunities to step out of my comfort zone, to go into the field, into the real world. I pray for a change of heart, a change of priorities, for wisdom, for self-control.

I think what bothers me is how much I love to spend time with my brothers and sisters. Not that it’s bad or wrong in and of itself, but if it’s really all we do… that’s what bothers me. I spend time with them and “fellowship” and sometimes really fellowship, but why can’t we spend more time together while ministering to people outside the walls of church? Do we always have to spend time together eating, hanging out, having a laugh? We talk too much. I want to do something more.

Wow. I haven’t xanga’d in a while.

Praise Night 2012. January 7, 2012. Wow.

God. Is. Good.

It never gets old. In fact it almost seems new every time. God is good! Wow!

God is gracious. For real. Thank God for being gracious. In our weakness… His beauty shines through. I may be the weak one, but I find joy in seeing Him glorified despite that.

So… too tired to do a whole recap, but basically I’ve been sick for almost a week now. Woke up this morning. Could not believe it was Praise Night day! Still didn’t get my voice back. I felt so unprepared… as usual. Final run throughs started late (as usual too) and ended up only going through the first song of my set before we had to pray together with everyone. Prayer was good. Needed that. Wish we had more time to pray, but again.. God is good nevertheless.

There were a few things I saw that I found discouraging, but the feeling did not last long. God redeemed it all. There wasn’t as many people as I expected, BUT I KNOW that those were there, were supposed to be there and needed to be there for whatever reason. I didn’t get to run through my entire set and I couldn’t sing or hear 100%, BUT I know that at least I was blessed during worship. I had to leave for a short while to move my car for someone during the second message, BUT it was for someone I was glad stayed for as much of the night as he could before he had to leave. Everything happens for a reason. It was designed intentionally by a good God.

After the night ended, I kind of wished things weren’t as scattered and hectic. I did hope my hearing and voice would go back to normal. It is pretty frustrating. But it is what it is for whatever reason. Didn’t get to talk to too many people afterward, but I was glad to see people were mingling and getting to know new people. I think what I longed for was a debriefing of sorts. I wanted to keep talking to people. See what, if anything, changed for people.

For me..

Jimmy’s message was a reminder.. the first part at least.. of the commitment I made a few months ago. The decision to surrender this life, my life, to Him and for Him to use it any way He wants. For me to be obedient and willing to follow. I surrendered and saw God do things I didn’t expect or imagine. And then? And then I got distracted. I lost focus.

2012. I pray for less of me, and more of Him. Less of my will, more of His. 2012. It’s not about me.

I need to pray for a more clear vision, direction and calling. I know where I will find my joy. I’ve had a glimpse. Just having trouble getting back there and on a more permanent basis.

Things that stuck out to me: Jimmy helped me more easily grasp the reality of what is and what is to come. I knew it in my head, but never really… grasped it. Now I have a better.. well.. grasp. The physical reality of “The Day of the Lord” is just… wow. 

I think my biggest dilemma is trying to figure out how to realistically balance the meaningless things with the meaningful ones. Striving after things that are meaningful as much as you can? Yes. But never do anything meaningless? Unrealistic, no? How do you know how much meaningless stuff is too much?

Blah. So tired. Just writing whatever. No order. Just writing whatever comes to mind.. and right now my mind is shutting down. There are a lot of things on my mind to think about though. When I have more energy… maybe… maybe not… I will write something that makes more sense and less ambiguous.

haha.. Christine’s got a lot to say.

Alex is rocking the air guitar!

Alex feelin’ the music.

Look at his little toes!!

I haven’t been keeping up with blogging because a lot has been happening, but I really do need and want an account of all that’s transpired in the last few months. That said, here’s a quick run down as far as I can remember. All are little milestones of sorts, but the dates in bold are real milestones.

–

September 18th. “Church in the Wild” part 1. Pastor Carl Lentz starts the “Church in the Wild” series. Awesome. It gets me re-evaluating my life and my walk as a Christian.

September 25th. “Church in the Wild” part 2. I didn’t take notes so I don’t really remember what was said, but I remember that it was really good and spurred me on.

October 2nd. Praise team meeting. Because of “Church in the Wild” I share what I have been thinking about and the theme of “It’s Not About Me” for the revival/praise night is born.

Pastor Carl is away and Christine Caine (founder of A21) is the guest speaker. She decides to give a message along the same lines of “Church in the Wild”. She tells the story about her daughter turning on a flashlight in the middle of a Walmart, being disappointed and asking her mom if they can go find some darkness (to shine the light on). This story sticks with me and convicts me of our role as Christians.

October 9th. “Church in the Wild” part 3. “Be authentic and transparent. Even scars tell a story so stop hiding them. People resonate more with our weaknesses than with our best.” “If you are willing to get ‘dirty’, you will be wildley influential in the wild.” “Jesus carried us on Him on the cross. We need to have other people on us.”

October 16th. Pastor Chad Veach is the guest preacher at Hillsong NYC. His message is based off of this tweet by Pastor Thomas Hansen (@thomaszhansen): “The Cause is clear. The Call is worth it. The Time is now. And His Grace is sufficient. Only 1 Q remains, Am I up 4 it?”

After the service and after some prayer I send my brother this text: “please pray for me. I’m thinking about going into full time ministry. I haven’t told anyone else yet. I’m scared to even tell you this but I feel like I need to tell someone to keep me accountable.”

That same night right after making a commitment to fast and pray about what I just went through, God/Satan throws me into a very difficult situation with a brother in Christ.

October 17th. ICE decides that Sandy’s mother will be deported on November 16th.

October 18th. Sandy’s mother is miraculously freed from jail. 

October 20th. I tell Linda, Keri and Reggie about my unknown “calling” and they are understanding and even happy for me! They understand I will be looking to move to Queens and also looking for a new job. Told them that the timing is unknown and that it could be a month from now to a year, to two years. They were will supportive and understanding.

October 22nd. Difficult situation resolved.

October 23rd. Pastor Carl. “To see God’s power in your life you don’t need a better position, you need a better perspective.”

October 28th. My brother has lunch with my parents. He eases their worries about me moving. I had been talking about it, and they had been concerned and reluctant.

November 1st. My dad and I take my mom to the ER because she’s having severe back pain. Can’t sit, can’t lay down, can’t really walk.

November 2nd. Nacho passes away. It was quite a traumatic thing. Receive more sad news right after as well. 

November 3rd. I spent the day with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. What a blessing and much needed personal day. Christine tells me to pray more specifically for the things I’m looking for in an apartment. My specific prayers were as follows: 1 bedroom, a large living room so I can have people come over, close to church, liveable (according to my standards), and rent of $1200/month… which I doubted I could find so I changed to $1300.

November 4th. I had the opportunity to talk to my boss. I asked her if and when I moved to Queens.. if I could possibly work from home and only go into the office when I had to. She told me she would not have any problems with it and that she didn’t think Linda (head of the department) would have a problem with it either. The only thing is they would need to get approval from the administration.

November 12th. After Jenn’s birthday brunch I decided to call and make an appointment to see one of the apartments I found online that was near church. Location was great and pictures looked decent. Hung out at Jonas and Caroline’s until the appointment at 4:30pm. Went and saw the apartment. LOVED IT. Went home to talk to my parents about it. I was pretty sure I was going to sign a lease so I prayed the entire way home for my parents to take the sudden news alright. They did!! Spent the night filling out the application and gathering all the docs that the broker needed from me. I prayed that if God gave me this apartment, it would really be His, and not mine.

November 13th. Brought my mom, dad, Caroline, Jenn, Su-Chen, Lester, Brice, Sandy and Hui with me to see the apartment. They all loved it. Gave in my application. Su-Chen also mentions how my broker looks like Lady Gaga… and she totally does. lol

November 16th. I was supposed to go sign the lease papers after my background and financial check on Monday, but it got postponed till Wednesday. Lester, Brice and Edward met me at the broker’s office. We went through the lease agreement. Signed all the papers on the apartment! Went to prayer meeting. Shared with Christine and Yolanda about my past month and why it is so significant. God gave me a great apartment, perfect location, everything I asked for, and cheaper than I could’ve imagined!

November 28th. The day I need to call the broker and make an appointment to pick up my keys and copy of the lease from the super.

November 29th. I get the keys. Start cleaning. Start moving!!

 –

God moves fast. He really doesn’t mess around. It’s not easy staying focused and keeping productive though. I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. It’s a fear of mine to lose sight of all He’s done, to not be able to hear His call and not be able obey. Every day is a battle in itself. Gotta keep fighting. Need to be more intentional.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. —Romans 8:28

Oh what a day. Oh what a week! God is good. God is soooo good. I cannot say it enough. GOD IS SO GOOD!!!

So I woke up Tuesday morning and did not feel well. I ended up not going to work Tuesday or Wednesday. As much as a blessing being out from work was because I got to spent more time reflecting and praying about all that’s been happening, it was also terrible. I just felt nasty because of whatever I caught. I think it was a result of allergies.. which I still refuse to completely believe, but it’s what everyone is telling me. Anyway, my throat was killing me so last night I begged God to just take it away. I woke up this morning praising Him because it was as if it was never even there! I’m still congested though, but that’s fine. haha.. 

Anyhoo, back on track. God is good. He’s good because He freed Sandy’s mom, because He healed me and because of what He did for me at work today.

After our weekly prayer meeting at work, I felt compelled to inform my bossed what I’m going through so I started writing an email. I shared how I believed God was calling me to something, to full-time ministry, but that I wasn’t sure what that meant yet.  I told them I would probably be leaving within the year to move to Queens and probably work somewhere else, but how soon I did not know. I was so scared. I didn’t know how my bossed would take it. I ended up only emailing the head of the department who I know has a really good understanding of how God works. I decided not to email my direct supervisors yet. It probably took me a good 15 minutes to actually scrounge up enough courage to press “send” and probably longer if you count how many times I read and re-read that email too. lol…

So I ended up sending the email just a little before 3:50pm. Work hours end at 4pm. I sat at my computer waiting anxiously, paying close attention to any sound I heard coming from outside my office. Then suddenly I heard something. It sounded like someone walking towards my office. I braced myself. Sure enough, the head of my department walks into the door. She looks at me and smiles almost as if to laugh or chuckle. I stand up to greet her. She just jumps right into it telling me how her first reaction was “oh no” but then quickly it changed to “wow, this is great news!” and that as she was writing back to me she decided to just come talk to me in person. I love this woman. She is definitely a woman of God. She and her husband are such inspirations to me as Christian role models. Anyway, as she’s sharing with me her thoughts and encouraging me, I couldn’t help but just break out into tears. She opened her arms and we hugged it out for a bit. I was sooooooooooo relieved… and then it hit me…

I looked at her and nervously asked, “Soo… uhh… what do we do about Keri and Reggie? How do I tell them?” Keri and Reg are my direct supervisors. It was originally just Keri, the art director, but then a while ago they split up some of us in the department so that Reggie (associate art director) could alleviate some supervisory duties for Keri and become the direct supervisor for some of us instead. Anyway, the point is I had to tell the two of them eventually too. We both looked at each other unsure of how to tell them or when. I ended up telling her I was fine to tell them whenever she thought best so after standing there for a bit trying to decide she says “let’s just go now” and we went. As we walked down the hallway past the other offices, Linda (head), called Keri and Reg into her office as I followed behind. They sat around the table in her office and I remained standing to share what I had just shared with Linda. To my surprise, and Linda’s as well, no one freaked out! I was so sure someone was going to get nervous and freak out, but no one did. Amazing. They were all so supportive of me. It was incredible. God really is good!! I’m telling ya!

So we spent some time just talking about things and I shared that I would be happy to help out whenever they needed it and that I would do whatever they wanted in order to make the transition easier on everyone. I didn’t want to make things more difficult for them. They had been so good to me so it was the least I could do. I am SOOOOOO blessed to have gotten this job at the Salvation Army. SO BLESSED. I cannot even express how much. To be able to work with people who I can also consider brothers and sisters in Christ? To know that they understand the difference between the will of the world and the will of the Father? WOW. For them to support me in this? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I still am! I mean… it was just support from all around. “God is Able”. That’s what Keri kept saying. Even if I had to leave sooner rather than later, “God would provide.” Speechless. Amazing.

GOD IS GOOD. Bottom line. GOD IS GOOD.

So this I consider another step of faith taken, and another step in this new journey confirmed by the Lord. I know it’s not always going to be easy like this, but my goodness… why do you spoil me so, God? lol.. I’m slowly learning not to be so afraid. I’m sure I will still be at least, but it’s slowly fading.. I think. haha.. More at peace with whatever the outcomes will be at least. But after a week like this week? After a month like this month? Praising God for being ever faithful and for being REAL. 

God is real. God is love. God is good.

–

Love You. You are certainly more than enough for me.

Ever since before Nicaragua 2010, actually probably even Nicaragua 2009, I had been praying for change. At the time and even up until recently I prayed for boldness, for discipline and for direction. Eventually my general prayer for direction turned into a still general, yet slightly more specific prayer to figure out whether or not I should move from NJ to Queens, NY. Bundled with that prayer came questions about whether or not a new job would be part of the answer.

On September 18 I went to Hillsong NYC by myself. I had gone once before (August 22?) with Joyce. Hillsong senior Pastor Brian Houston was there with the United band, led by his son Joel.  It was a little hard to understand his thick Aussie accent, but it was good. Anyway, on September 18 I decided to go back and check out how the regular Pastor, Carl Lentz, was. Apparently he was just starting his “Church in the Wild” series that week. After hearing the message I was hooked and had to hear the rest of the series. I thought it was just a spiritual high from being at Hillsong NYC church and listening to such a passionate speaker, but even the guest pastors at Newtown, though not as charismatic, had points that just stuck out to me and went well with everything I was hearing at Hillsong.

Each week that I went back, the more I felt a conviction in my heart. I felt repentant of the life I had been living, and felt convicted of the life I should be leading instead. Even the two guest speakers at Hillsong in the 5 consecutive weeks that I’ve been in attendance spoke to my heart. Week 3 was Christine Caine (founder of A21). She said something that really blew me away. She made an analogy. She told us a story of when she took her daughter to Walmart to buy a Barbie flashlight. After she had paid, her daughter took the flashlight and immediately pointed it toward the ceiling and turned it on. Her face got sad. Her mom asked her what was wrong. The little girl replied something like this, “Mommy, can we go find some darkness?” Her light could not be seen in the middle the heavily florescent lit Walmart. Chris Caine was taken aback. I was taken aback. All of a sudden it became clear what my whole life has been like. I had been given the light of Jesus Christ, but had only shone His light in what was already lit! Why, as Christians, do we shine our light among more light? The light doesn’t need more light. The darkness needs the light! God gave us light so that we may go and shine it on the darkness of this world.

That right there was like a spear through my heart. I felt broken, I felt guilty, I felt wasteful like I had been such a bad steward of the knowledge God has given me about Him. I spent the week praying for God to change me, for God to keep this conviction in my heart, for God to reveal to me how to respond to such a revelation. Actually, that night when I got home, I decided I would do a 24 hour fast and pray that God would speak to me more clearly. The funny part is right after I told myself this, I believe Satan tried to break me that same night and the days following. I felt God granting me a new confidence in Him which in turn made me feel invincible and bold. While acting on this new found boldness I was careless in my words with someone and I thought I was going to lose a friend and brother in Christ. The next day I was distraught over the situation, but surprisingly I wasn’t even hungry. Probably because I was so distraught! I ended up fasting for a couple other days that week and it really helped me to stay focused on God and God alone. It gave me peace over the situation and through the grace of God everything was worked out that weekend with my brother in Christ.

The following week Pastor Carl finished up his series on “Church in the Wild”. I was excited to hear the last part of the series, but it wasn’t as heart piercing as I thought. While I didn’t have any “WOW!” moments though, Pastor Carl still made a lot of good points.

- We need to be authentic and transparent.
- Even scars tell a story so stop hiding them.
- People resonate more with our weaknesses than when we’re at our best
- If you are willing to get dirty you will be wildly influential in the wild (world)
- Jesus carried our junk and baggage and bore it on the cross for us. If we are to be like Him, we should be carrying the baggage of others on us as well.

Then another week went by. I was probably less prayerful, and less active about holding onto my convictions that week. The routine of things came creeping back into my life and my mind wasn’t as focused on God anymore. It felt so empty and meaningless even while I was in it, but I couldn’t shake it off. Saturday night came and I wondered if I would go back to Hillsong the next day. The “Church in the Wild” series was over. Did I still need to go? By the time my head hit my pillow I had decided I would go anyway. I planned on going to the 6pm service, but a family dinner came up so I decided I would try to make it for the 8pm service instead. I ended up not going to dinner though and ended up getting to Hillsong before 7pm. I waited in line for about 50 minutes till we were let in. As I was standing in line I was tired from the night before, the long day, and I was just so weary I wasn’t expecting God to really speak to me that night. Also it didn’t help that I didn’t get to talk to anyone on line. I was between two groups of friends. All the other weeks prior while waiting in line I got to meet really cool people so my mood was just not very upbeat at that point. Even finding a place to sit inside seemed like a chore. I just wasn’t feeling very positive.

Worship started and I wasn’t really into the first couple songs. Then there was a break and I got to talk to the guy next to me. That really lifted up my spirit so from then on it was just uphill. We went into more worship before the pastor came out to speak. It was Pastor Chad Veach from out in Seattle. He seemed pretty much like a clone of Pastor Carl. It was kind of funny, but I loved how he spoke. Although it was similar in style to Pastor Carl, Pastor Chad was throwing out verses left and right to back up all he was saying. It was incredible and I loved it. His message just cleared everything up for me. It was like THIS was the final chapter of the “Church in the Wild” series.

Pastor Chad preached on a tweet he read a few months prior by a pastor named Thomas Hansen (@thomaszhansen). I believe he’s a youth pastor at Hillsong Australia. His tweet was this: ‎”The Cause is clear. The Call is worth it. The Time is now. And His Grace is sufficient. Only 1 Q remains, Am I up 4 it?” I LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it. It was like God up in my face asking point blank, “do you get it now?” BAM! That’s it. He was asking me, “Are you finally up for it? Cause the time is NOW.” 

I feel like in the last… maybe two years.. God has given me SOOOOOOOOOO many ideas and visions. What has come of them? Nothing, because I didn’t do anything about them. It’s funny because I like to collect quotes/sayings and save the ones I really like when I stumble upon them… like this one: 

“Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.”
—Japanese Proverb

I think I always knew my problem. I just never did anything about it.

Towards the end of the service as Pastor Chad was saying things and as more worship music went on… I just broke. Tears were coming down my face and I was crying out to God. I wanted more. I wanted to act with urgency. I wanted to act knowing His grace is sufficient. I know I believe in the cause and I felt like I was being called. I wanted to answer “Yes! I’m up for it!” After the service was over I walked to my car and just sat there for a while. I didn’t know what to do next. I ended up just praying some more in my car. My head down I was just asking God for direction, asking Him what He wanted me to do with all this. I felt like for the past couple months He has been stirring something up in me, He was finally slowly answering my prayers and guiding me somewhere. I just kept asking Him over and over again what it was He wanted from me. I wanted to surrender. After I collected myself.. I eventually pulled my car out of my parking spot and drove slowly still.. in my head just trying to figure out what the next step was. I guess I didn’t really stop praying. I decided to take the slower way home with all the traffic lights before getting onto the highway. I didn’t want to drive in the hectic-ness of the highway right away. I still needed time to process without being distracted. As I was only a couple lights away from getting on the highway where I would have no more red lights to stop at… I found myself writing a text to my brother. I took what felt like a giant leap into uncertain territory. Once I pressed send.. I wouldn’t be able to take it back. I asked him to pray for me because I was thinking about going into full-time ministry. I had to tell someone because I needed him to keep me accountable. I finally pressed send. I couldn’t take it back and I had put that out there. I said it “out loud”. I think I was crying or tearing. I don’t remember. I couldn’t believe I just shared that with someone. I feared I was going to make myself into a liar or a failure.

My brother called me just as I was about to get home and once I got home I just sat in the driveway, in my car. We talked for about 40 minutes. I shared with him what was going on in my life recently, what I felt God was doing and telling me and how I had been feeling. I was pretty much sobbing through the entire phone call. I couldn’t stop myself. He ended up praying for me over the phone and peace started coming over me.

This week has been hard though. Going back to work was hard. Then I got sick. As miserable as I felt.. I think it was a gift in disguise. I was able to spend time at home, in quiet and try to work things out with God more. I did things I had been meaning to do. I stepped out in more boldness. I pray it keeps going. God has helped me set things in motion and I can’t take it back now. All I can do now is move forward in faith. His grace is sufficient. Come what may. Whatever more trials put before me, I know where my strength and confidence comes from. I must be careful and not confuse my own desires with His though. I pray that He will make the distinction more clear. I pray that in all I do, I do with His glorification in mind.

This is the beginning. I don’t know where it will take me, but I know as long I am trying to hear where He’s calling me to and for, everything will be okay. I know I will be much more joyful because of it. I haven’t been really content with my life in a long time and I think it’s because I haven’t been doing what I’ve been called to do.

Another one of my favorite quotes is this: 

“Your calling is where your deep gladness meets the worlds deep need.”
—Frederich Buechner

I pray that it’s true and that I will be able to surrender my own will to His. So far it feels like a lonely path. I don’t know if that’s normal, but I pray that others would encounter and experience something similar too. Also, I pray that I never give up. Every day, every morning feels like a struggle to pursue a more righteous path. It’s really hard. I’m terrified of failing and falling back into old habits, but I gotta try. At least now I’m more aware and more intentional. This new conviction I have is on my mind more so it helps me to remember what I need to do. If the time is NOW, I’m just trying to make the best I can out of today, out of now. Just taking it day by day…

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God, You are just so incredible. It’s true that words cannot express just how wonderful You are. Never let me forget. Keep my eyes open so I can see Your beauty and Your hand in all things. Your love and grace take my breath away. What You’ve done I can never repay. I want to give You my heart, I want to give You my life. It’s Yours. Lead me, Father, for I know Your ways are better than mine and that Your path leads to eternity with You. Help me to continue this race with conviction, with my eyes on the prize which is You. Your rod and staff are always with me. Please, grant me the heart of David and the obedience of Paul. Thank You, my Lord, my Savior, my Love.