‎"@thomaszhansen: The Cause is clear. The Call is worth it. The Time is now. And His Grace is sufficient. Only 1 Q remains, Am I up 4 it?"

Wow... this was probably the worst emotional day I've had in a long time. Break down bad over stupid stuff. I think my PMS has gone into overdrive. I'm going to sleep.

I think I've never allowed myself to change and be more bold because I knew it would cost me friendships or at least change them. That's why I've always been the same.. so cautious.. trying to be nice.. not hurt feelings. If I unleash a different side of me... will I still be accepted? Does it even matter? As long as the Father accepts me and approves of what I do and how I do it... it doesn't matter, does it? I hope He gives me the wisdom to know the difference.

I just realized.. there was over a month gap before my last couple posts and the one before that. CRAZY!! I guess I just didn't feel like blogging. It just didn't cross my mind or perhaps just nothing I felt the need to document via blog.

Anyhoo.. I'm back for now... sorta. And since then I have become an aunt!! Finally a REAL aunt like many have pointed out. I don't mind though because it is so true. However, as great as it is to have a real nephew, my other niece/nephews are just as dear to me as Alexander is, if not more at the moment just because they've been in my life much longer than Alex has. On Saturday night after Ivy's baby shower and going to visit Alex at the hospital, I went to hang out at Johnny's parents place with Johnny, Annie, Jojo and Jane. OMG... I always cherish the times I get to play with Joanne and see how much she is growing every week! My heart practically melted when she prayed for me, ah-yi "Krina", before she went to bed. She just.. prayed on her own! She prayed that God would heal me. Although I wasn't sick or anything.. it really touched me because.. I think we all need some sort of healing at all times so it really spoke to me... especially because it was coming from a child. Maybe I just really believe in prophecies and that God can speak through anyone, even children.

Anyway... going to try to keep my promise to sleep at midnight. Gonna finish the rest of this up. I may be late a couple minutes though. :X

Been going to Hillsong NYC for the last couple Sundays. I'm really enjoying it. I almost didn't go today cause I was soooo tired for some reason. Almost fell asleep while driving there, but I pushed through all the traffic, the difficulties of finding parking and got there.

Last week (9/18) while waiting in line for the 7pm service to start I met a girl named Sarah Evans. She was really cool and we just go to talk about whatever. Found out she was a producer for that show "Too Fat for 15". Coolest part was that she was from the U.K. and had an accent. We sat together through service then parted ways. I gave her my e-mail, but I don't know if she'll ever find me. She was going back home the next day until she comes back to get married to her NY fiance. I hope she does find me though. I was a little sad for her to find out that her fiance wasn't a Christian, but at least he lets her do her own thing and go to church. It was really sad for me to hear though. I was like "but what about when you have children?" and she was just fine with that and them finding their own way. To each their own, I guess, but as a caring sister, I wanted more for her, even if I just met her. She seemed to be a "baby" Christian too. We'll see what happens I guess.

Today I went to the 5pm service. As hard as it was to get there, I'm glad I went. There was only standing room left so I stood throughout the entire thing. I was wearing new boots too so it was a bit difficult, but I got through that too. Met a guy named Alex who stood next to me during service. Used to live in Montvale, NJ but now lives in the city near Grand Central I believe and works in Connecticut doing something with finance. I think he was Korean. Good looking guy. haha.. but aside from the 4 minutes that Hillsong gives people to "meet and greet" we basically just parted way at the end of service.

There's something about Pastor Carl Lentz when he speaks. I'm slightly uncomfortable just because I'm not used to it, but at the same time I love it. He's doing a 3-part series about "Church in the Wild". I hope I get to go next week to finish it up. Anyway... while I couldn't tell you everything that he's been saying, it has been really challenging for me and given me things to think about. He's been saying things I need to hear, challenging me. I think it's exactly what I need right now, in this time in my life. I hope that I really do try to get something out of it though and not just forget. I"m so scared that I will though and that this is just a passing thing. I pray not.

Aside from the message, it's been fun and exciting going and not knowing who I will meet each time. It's been fun meeting new people. So far they seem to just be acquaintances, but even so.. it's just nice to meet new people in a different, but still safe environment.

Okay okay, I gotta stop and go to bed. I started this post before 12am, I promise. Still really want to try this whole sleeping early/waking up early thing.

I want to try to sleep earlier and wake up earlier. Let's see if I can do this. And by earlier I mean be in bed by midnight. haha.. 11pm is just asking too much. Not sure what waking up early means though. Maybe start with 8pm, and then eventually get to 7:30am then perhaps one day 7am.

I really need to start finding joy for myself and in what I do, rather than basking in another's and in what they do. I need to stop seeking the approval of others. I need to be someone I'd be proud of.

Been sick the last couple days. I don't know if that's what brought about this feeling of.. mushiness. Had to urge to reconnect with old friends. There's really something about telling someone you love them when you really feel it. It's almost freeing.

To love is one beautiful thing in itself. And then to be loved in return? Wow.

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Had an epiphany of sorts last night as I was getting ready for bed and just having a conversation with God. I realized something.. or most likely... He revealed something to me about how I view Him and about how I pray. I was in shock and disbelief at my sheer unthoughtfulness towards my Lord, my God. Pretty much disrespectful in how I see God.

As much as I know in my head all the bells and whistles of what it means to be a Christian and how one should behave and see God... I realized I was unknowingly treating him the exact way I knew I shouldn't have.

It's not that what I was praying was wrong in itself. I think it's good and I think He wants us to pray those things and lift them up to Him, but I think it was the spirit behind those prayers, the spirit in which they were prayed. It wasn't totally right. It was so selfish. They sounded as if life were about ME and that I was the priority.

Last night, after my "awakening", the words of this song came to me right away:

It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and Your fame
It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender
To Your ways

Amen.

This is something I need to pray over and remind myself constantly. It's so hard. It actually feels closer to impossible. It's so crazy how you can want something so bad, but still not do enough about it to make it happen. I don't understand it.

As strong as I think my faith is in the One who cannot be seen... there are times when I think I just need to see Him, touch Him and know He's physically here with me. Sometimes I feel like I just need that to feel strong enough, to feel like I really can do anything, conquer anything. I don't know what to make of it or what to do with it, this feeling, this thought.

I keep thinking about my prayer for what feels like so long now about my life, about what direction to take next, but then I think about how faithful someone like Wendy has been and how long she's been praying the same prayers for her family. How can I be so impatient? Not that it's about comparisons, but what's my one year to her decades?

I have so much to learn yet. I have so much to grow. I'm such a newbie at this being a daughter of God thing still.

I had a realization about myself today. I've been... "traumatized". A better way to put it may be.. I have learned a lesson from my past. Because of my past.. I am now more cautious. I have more walls up. Boundaries mean more to me now than it used to.

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I feel like I need to go away. It's the only way I can focus and be truly productive. It's the easy way out, but sometimes I feel like it's the better option for me, even so. I seriously feel like a waste of life here, where I am, right now, doing what I do, or don't do. I hate feeling purposeless. When I'm away.. at least I usually have a goal or a purpose to strive after. Here.. I'm just.. stuck and lost.

I want to do something. I want to do something with my life. As much as I can try to be involved in things, and help others out... there's only one thing that's almost always on my mind, and in my heart. I can join various ministries, but I don't think about them unless I have to.

I want to change. I want to do something different, something new. I need a new routine. Or I just need to not feel like I'm always in the same routine. Noticing I always write or say what I want... then I don't do much to go after what I want. Fail.

I NEED to change or else I'm going to hate myself for not doing anything about this. I NEED to do something. 

Some people don't believe me when I say I'm selfish. I am selfish.