Sunday Worship Set
July 17, 2011

Me - Vocals
Dennis - Vocals, Guitar
Grace - Vocals, Keyboard
Brice - Vocals, Bass
Edward - Drums

Feeling distant from my Lord, my God. I talk to Him every day and He's ever present. My heart and mind agree and yet I feel like I'm failing Him over and over again with each day that passes by. I know His love and His grace and His everything is more than enough, but then why can't I put Him first in my life? Why can't I truly live my life for Him, and Him alone. Why do I choose what I want, my own comforts, over His better plan for me? Maybe cause I don't know what the plan is? How does that work?

I feel like a failure. I feel idle. I feel wasteful.

I want more. I want to change. I want to be better, but I don't know how. I need help. I need accountability. I need a push. I don't think I was meant to do this alone, but what if He wants me to do this part, this initial part at least, alone before having a partner to lean on?

Below is something I stumbled upon via my cousin's fb. I love it. I made some of the phrases in a lighter color in order to highlight the black colored phrases that are what I've really been thinking about and has been on my mind a lot, even before I stumbled upon it.

Now, I don't agree entirely with everything on there. I don't think you should just quit if you don't like your job. Each case is different. And life is not simple, but we do make it more complicated than it has to be sometimes. However, everything else... a part of me really believes to be true. Though there are no biblical or spiritual references and it's mostly for anyone in the world, Christian or not, I really like it and it does give me a slight push. It motivates me a bit and makes me feel more optimistic about myself and my life... until I don't again.

Sigh...

I need to start being active again. Actively looking for new job opportunities and/or talking to my bosses and working something out so I can move to Queens. It's REALLY bothering me. I need to get out. I know I'm saving money by living at home... but I think I need to find my own place. I think I need to go out on a limb and trust that God will take care of the details.

Ah goodness. Been talking to mothers and mothers-to-be so much this past weekend. Makes me want to join the club.. kinda. I'm so excited with/for them, but  I'm sure not as excited as they are, but still... very excited. I can't imagine what it's like. That's probably the best part about being a woman.. to be able to actually carry a child in your womb. What a miraculous thing! Everything else like periods and PMS and the pressures of being a female though.. I wouldn't mind being without. I really do believe guys have it easier in some ways. I know they have different pressures though so.. I dunno.. maybe it sorta evens out. I still think it's generally harder to be born a girl though. I mean.. if I had to do a strict pro vs. con list. Of course life experiences and situations matter too, but aside from that.. yeah. Guys have it easy.

Example: I really do believe it's harder for women to find a mate than it is for a man. On a superficial level, especially, guys just have it easier.

There are so many things I want to do, but I end up not doing them because they are things I'd prefer not to do alone. Times like these are when I wish I had a friend I knew I could just call up to do that something. Or a sigoth would be nice too. It's about time...

I'm starting to appreciate my overweight-ness. I think I would look odd and would probably tip over if I were skinny since I have a lot of weight on top. lol

Sometimes.. you just gotta let go of those you love. We meet so many people throughout our lifetimes.. and it's impossible to stay in touch with everyone when everyone's moving on with their lives. It doesn't mean that they didn't leave a mark, it doesn't mean you don't love them any less... you just don't have time for them. I know it sounds terrible. If you love someone, you're supposed to make time, but sometimes it just doesn't work.

I feel bad for having lost touch with some friends. I still love them, I still care about them, but we're so distant in more ways than one now... it doesn't... matter in a way. I haven't forgotten them.. but I let go of trying to stay in contact... and I think that's okay. I know not everyone agrees.. and it's not always mutual. If everyone thought the same way, then we'd be fine, but eventually of course someone will feel hurt, but.. what can you do?

There's a difference between neglecting and ignoring the people in your lives now though.. and those who are living different lives that are completely unattached to yours now. I think that's entirely different. I'm talking about people who have moved away or are moving in different circles now.. have different priorities, etc.

I was just thinking about an old friend and wondering how he's doing and if he feels.. neglected. I don't think so though.. because he has his own life and new friends. I think we'd be okay if we just ran into each other again. No love lost. At least I would hope not. All of the above is in a very general sense though. There are always special cases and exceptions.

- on an entirely different topic - 

I like to think that a new start means I can reinvent myself or be the me I really am, and not the person created and defined by the people I've known for a really long time. But when I really think about it... if I actually had a new start... would I really be or act any different? Would I just be the same old me I've always been anyway? Since who I am has become habit for so long.. would I just default to what I've been all along with no change? That would suck.

Connie and I were talking the other day... and she asked me if I would be willing to move away from here (NJ/NY) if I was getting married and my fiance lived somewhere else. My first reaction was no and that I'd just look for someone in the area, then my actual answer was yes.. if I fit with the church there. Ever since it's kinda been in the back of my mind.

While I already did my church hopping stint and came to realize I wanted to stay at Newtown... I think down the road I could see myself being at another church. I wanted to stay and watch Newtown grow and evolve. I wanted to be part of it, but down the line... if the right man came along.. with a church I could see myself serving in.. I think I'd be okay. I'd miss Newtown people because they're like family.. but I think I'd be okay. Sometimes parts of me still just wants to move on and start new.

I think sometimes for me I feel like it's a "I love you, but I don't like who I am with you" type situation with Newtown. I don't blame the church itself for me not becoming who I could be, but I blame myself for how comfortable I am here.. hesitant to change too much because it's all I know how to be.

I should have just gone to the Wendy's drive-thru and gone home right after, but I was so hungry that instead I went to Sunway to eat while half asleep, barely able to keep my eyes open, then on my way home got my first speeding ticket and saw a 2 car accident on the highway turn into a 4-car pile up.

The Ticket:

Was on Main Steet and made a left onto Northern Blvd. The town car in front of me was driving really slow, so I passed him and was on my way to my exit to go onto Grand Central (Triboro). Before I hit the ramp to exit I see a car in the shadows on the right. I slow down, but it's too late. The lights go off and I'm like.. "oh great." I pull over. Cop asks me for my license and says he pulled me over for speeding. I didn't feel like I was speeding so I asked him, "how fast was I going?" He says, "51." I'm like, "oh." and he goes back to his car with his partner. As I'm waiting for my ticket.. I see a woman walking on the highway by the divider. She's walking a little funny. No one else is in sight minus a car every once in a while. It is about 3am after all. A town car come by and I'm guessing sees her walking and slows down and eventually puts on his hazard lights. Me and the cops are parked o nthe right shoulder right before the ramp exit I was going to go on. The woman turns around and starts walking backwards away from the town car, across the highway and towards us. The cop car slowly pulls up besides me. The passenger cop hands me the ticket and my license back. The driver cop tells me "I'm sorry, but I have to give you a summons". And what to I say as I go to reach for my ticket and license? "Thank you." Who says "thank you" to being given a ticket? I can't help it. It's programmed into me. Someone gives you something, you say "thank you". Anyway... the woman starts talking to the cop, the cop tells her to walk to the side so she doesn't get hit by a car and to wait for him to finish talking to me. D I heard her say something about trying to get home. Not sure if there was something wrong with her, but the cops said to me something like the woman seemed like she needed help or wasn't right. Anyway, don't know what happened to her, but I was going 51mph in a 30mph zone I guess, but I didn't know that. The ramp I was going onto turned into 50 so.. ugh.. stupid.

The Accident:

So now I'm driving all cautiously, making sure I'm not more than 10 mph over the limits. Not more than 5 minutes after I cross the GWB I look ahead and see somethign weird going on the highway. Not as many lights in NJ, but I could see that one moment things looked normal and next that cars were stopping or slowing and that all of a sudden the car lights didn't seem like they were going the right direction anymore. I was probably about half a mile away at this point driving about 50-60 mph toward these cars. I'm in the left lane next to teh divider and slow down a little cause something's definitely wrong by now. I see a pick up truck parked on the right lane (barely a shoulder here) and an older sedan parked diagonally from the beginning of my lane into lane 2 and 1. The closer I get, the more I can see the debris from that diagonal car in my lane ahead of me. I put on my hazard lights trying to make sure I don't run over anything that might damage my car. I see the guy from the pick up truck start walking into the middle of the highway towards the diagonal car. By now I have passed the accident, but I'm keeping an eye on it with my rearview mirror. Seconds later after the car that was behind me was passing behind the diagonally stalled car... I see the car that was behind him not suddenly swerve right and into the stalled car. I see 2 lights turn into one as it shtatered into the back of the stalled car and then I see the car quickly move to the right, with another following behind it. My best guess of what happened is that the third car behind me wasn't paying attention to what happened and knocked the 2nd car behind me into the stalled car just barely missing the car that was right behind me. I don't know if I'm describing it well enough for you guys to visualize it, but it was prety crazy. It felt like something that took place within 5 minutes, but it all probably happened in less than 30 seconds. It was almost a pitch black show, but all you could see was the head and tail lights of all the cars and a vague silhouette of the cars from whatever lights were nearby.

Too tired to write more.. but that's basically it. Eventful, scary night. Gonna try to put together an animation video of what happened. lol.. maybe.

Keeping life simple and only buying what is truly necessary only works as much as you remember those things.

Basically.. "FAIL!" @ me.

Sigh..

I woke up at 7 am this morning. I can't remember the last time I woke up that early. It wasn't on purpose. My radio alarm came on just like it does every day. The only difference is I almost never hear it, but today it woke me up. The station is turned to Star 99.1. I can't even really remember what they were talking about. Some verses. Some chit chat. I lay in bed just listening, but half asleep. All of a sudden I had the urge to write. My eyes could barely open. Even with the blinds drawn everything was too bright and blurry for me to see anything clearly. I grabbed for my notebook and pen and started writing. I ended up with almost 7 pages of random words, but not so random.

What a way to start the day.